Disappointment and expectations.

When you are born as a little baby, you utterly rely on the love of your mother, or in many cases, who chooses to love and care for you and in the end that is what truly matters, just being loved and taught by those who do so. No matter who this is, it brings, naturally, expectations as you grow up as to how life will be and as a child you can only see through your own eyes and limited experiences.

As an adult , you can reflect on why you feel as you do and where your expectations came from. I am not a natural writer and I can't do this format stuff and quite frankly I just want to get my words out. Listening to Beethoven's 9th Symphony is helping. I even managed to get the whole symphony posted. Now, believe it or not, there actually is a point in what I am saying, and if I can forget all this worry about writing it in an accepted way, I will be fine and reach my point.

So the format chosen is this, and it feels wrong, but it's this medium. (HELP). :D.

Back to what I actually meant to say. Love is everything but we still have to live in a world where we constantly live with people who grow up without ever having experienced it so react accordingly to what they have been taught and it is not always a positive experience for many. If your first experience of life is to be yelled at and hit, which please may I say was not my experience, but it is for many children, so life shall quite possibly keep acting in the same way as it progresses. Funnily enough, I have argued very much against this concept in many ways, as nothing is absolute, but there is a running thread that repeats itself and I cannot deny this happens, and that is not positive. However, I am a great believer in the fact, and to me it is, that we are all individuals, and though we belong to families and are part of others, we will always remain as our own individual soul. Negative experiences happen in many other ways too, but there is absolutely nothing that cannot be surpassed with a lot of determination and yes love, it's so important.

In ourselves we have our utter individuality as souls that cannot be determined by anyone other than ourself, and nobody else can ever change that. As usual, I never get to the point of my title but writing does indeed change as you do so. :-) . It is always good to have a starting point,

Perhaps I may finish by saying that if we did not have so many expectations, then it would not lead to disappointment.

Good people in life.

I have not written a blog for ages and I often feel awkward mentioning people by name so will not do as such, however I hope that the person I am talking about will know that I am thinking of her in spirit now, and that she was a pleasure to talk to, although I did not have the privilege of  meeting her.

What can I say, lovely lady, a lady indeed, strong and inspirational. A grade eight pianist, flautist, and brilliant baker ; animal lover and everything good about an individual. You don't always have to meet someone in person to realise what is truly beautiful in their soul. Sometimes words are enough.

Rest in peace dear lady and you were so determined and fought so hard. My thoughts are with you.

                Fiona xxx

The Past

It is ages since I wrote a blog and at some point I do want to continue with my cat theme , but for now just a quick update.

I recently joined Facebook and I for one actually really enjoy it. I have talked to people I haven't spoken to in years and that has brought back so many good memories. I do realise that being new to this medium that I may not understand it all, but so far, it seems quite nice. I have noticed that many people criticise it but, lets face it, many people criticise everything! Also, though it seems to be very different than "Twitter", it is better for just talking to people, as the summarising qualities of twitter give no freedom of expression.  However, I have always liked twitter and met some very lovely people ( in person) through this medium and it has so helped in the sales of my husband's novel, which incidentally is doing very well, and I'm as proud as I could ever be about that, as he is one very talented author. So please know that as I praise him, it is not just about advertising, he really can write and he is brilliant at it.

My title is "The Past" and if you ever want to read any of my other blogs, you will realise how my titles never quite match what I write, but perhaps I am getting a little bit better at this. :-). I hope so anyway.

Regardless, I will just call it an update and for anyone interested enough to read what I write about (beware it can be deep) , you can find me if you want to.  :-)

Nothing Exciting. Let us see what enters my brain? Always amusing.

I haven't written a blog for ages as life has been extremely busy of late, due to the publication of my husband's brilliant new novel. I am pleased to say that it is selling well and so far anyone who has read it has given it nothing but praise and he has had only 5 star reviews, which are totally genuine and well deserved. I am not going to publicise it on here as this is my blog, and I do lots of that all the time, but I just wanted to mention he's a rather brilliant author.

For once, I like my title as it gives me scope to write whatever I want, and I rather like that freedom. Well here goes. :D

 I have just come off the phone to my beautiful daughter and that always gives me this wonderfully warm feeling in my heart. It makes me realise just how lucky I am. So many people struggle through life, and quite frankly, we all do at times, but it is never anything that can not be surpassed. When the stress of a moment happens, it is often a catalyst for love and those around you who will just naturally help.

I write this, and yes,  I feel guilt I cannot describe, but I look at the truth and facts of my life. My dad had a fall last week and I was unable to see him due to my personal circumstances, which makes me feel very bad,  but I have had full blown "Flu" , of the real kind and have felt so terribly unwell. It would have been exceptionally stupid to visit him under such circumstances but it doesn't stop me feeling bad about the fact I was not there.He has had lots of support but normally I would not have hesitated to be there, though I don't always see him. He's dislocated his shoulder but I think he'll live. He's a very interesting , almost eighty-eight man with an attitude, and he does ok mostly.

I should be used to this constant stress as my mum has had a few falls too, but everything is as best it can ever be. It is so, so hard when your parents get this old, your own bodies are failing and you just have to cope. There are odd times that it causes copious tears for me, but you can always wipe them away.However, I very often cry, at the most private moments of my life and now accept that nobody lives forever, but utterly dread the day I have to cope with losing them.

On a more positive note, I think my mum has been preparing for ages, which is highly admirable but even more depressing. This is actually not a positive note. :-(.I do understand why people want to prepare for their death, and yes, it is probably a million times easier when it has to happen, but my goodness, it doesn't make me feel very good. :-( ). That looks odd, but isn't if you look closer.

I am actually very happy that I felt almost myself today and didn't nearly collapse from exhaustion on basic tasks. It was that turning point with Flu , where you just know you are getting better ; hard to explain, but I know, what I will be careful with, is not thinking I am totally alright now.  This probably seems the most ridiculous and controversial thing to write down as I am awake late, which in normal circumstances, is normal, but we really seriously in this life, need individual time to ourselves.

I suffered from M.E. in my early thirties which lasted for almost two years in all. I won't repeat that. However, it wasn't staying awake that made it happen, it was trying to rush around in a ridiculous fashion and I went back to work too early. I think that has to be the most singularly awful experience of my life.  I can't even begin to describe it. At the time, I still suffered from depression but it was such an entirely different thing. I was at work, and tried to walk up the garden, about I think , six weeks later, after flu. not sure entirely of the time scales but I just couldn't . I felt utterly exhausted in a way I had never felt in my whole life.
It was the oddest thing ever, and actually like the first stages of flu, without the raised temperature. I had very mixed support on my condition from nothing to everything, but was blessed at that time with good support from my GP.I suppose this makes me nervous, and I had the Flu jab for years, but for me it has not re-occurred.I haven't had flu jab since 2005 due to circumstances,  and had flu twice. I'm hoping this means that I never, ever go through that cruel condition again, but I did.

However, we do truly learn from every experience, I hope anyway, And I totally pray that nobody ever has to suffer as I did. It was such a strange condition to go through. My senses were unbelievably heightened, especially my sense of smell. I could smell the dust in the room, and I might not be house proud, but even for me that was ridiculous. Noise of any acceptable level,drove me insane, well actually my senses of smell and hearing were the most heightened ones. This was the point of my life where I was truly suicidal but thank God for my family and friends and especially my mum for helping me.

I'm so glad to feel normal after that totally horrific experience and what went before. We can all get through anything but it is good and healthy to express.

What to do when you cannot sleep.

Once upon a time, when I was younger than I am now, I used to conjure up dreams, and thoughts that would lull me off to sleep. I used to listen to the wind and the rain on the window, and I just loved that sound. As a small, (literally) girl, I could imagine anything and absolutely everything in my dreams and I just thought that was the reality of life, but as an adult, I realise this is not how life works.

As I hate this un-natural form of writing, I will stick with it for now, otherwise it may well become illegible.

Now, at fifty years old, I have a very firm grasp on reality, and realise all the positive and negative aspects attached to that reality. As a small child, you see the world through your limited experiences, and as you grow up. you are exposed to so many new ones.I would personally say, never, ever pass up the possibility of making your own life happy and good, and don't allow others to dictate to you or spoil who you are.

As always I appear ambiguous, but that is not my particular intention. Rather, I use ambiguity to make a point about many individuals. Most of them are good, but occasionally one is not, and it is sad that they have passed over, but nothing ever is forgotten. Nothing can be eradicated from your memory, merely moved.

As usual I am being serious, but that is just me, however, I never tell lies.

I look at my whole life and mostly I see all the good parts of it, which are many, and I am truly grateful for all those wonderful experiences with my family and friends. There is a terribly precious relationship with your family, and it's even more precious when it becomes your own little one. Nothing in the world will ever be more important to me than my daughter, husband, granddaughter and cats. (No order , merely wrote in that way.)

I am terribly proud of my husband at present, and always, as he is such a talented writer, and I was first exposed to his musical talents, ( A hunch, as at that point, I hadn't heard him, but so glad I did. ). Then I was introduced to his massive talent for mimicry, and told him he would be a brilliant Puppeteer, But I rather think he was unimpressed. I still have "Mappy and "Snowy", and never shall I part with them.
My husband is so, so talented, but I must agree that he utterly excels with writing.

I used to devour books as a child, and I listen to his stories to Sian, and she's captivated ; So am I.  :-). When my own daughter was little, I used to make up stories for her, and she loved them. She in her own her own right has a complete talent for writing, which she will never lose, and she excels in acting.

What of my lovely Sian. She already, at four years old displays massive musical talent and everything of her mum's talent for acting. I guess these talents are inherited and just continue through generations

My brain wants to just write in my untidy fashion, but I am so in the mode of thinking of how to space etc, that my brain, I think, has just shut down. :-). I suspect I am being sarcastic.

Well , what of my own talents? I have a few, and I am a 'disaster' at what I do not know but am gradually learning. All my life, I wanted to play piano, in fact I would love to learn any instrument,  and did learn violin, but everything is restrictive, and I did quite well with piano and not to bad with violin too, though I found that a harder instrument to play, in techniques etc. but it was very personal, and at heart I am a Pianist and I can play. My brothers are musicians, whom I have always thought were better than me, perhaps because of my nervousness and dislike of performing, but they think I am good.

In the end, it comes down to your own confidence, and if destroyed by anyone, which I am sure we have all experienced, it very much depends on your own personality of how you deal with it all and in the end, we will all cope in a different fashion.

People should always be true to their nature, no matter what. I will always, always believe this.
     

.

Human Beings and the strangeness of them.

I have just spent a wonderful evening and night with my beautiful daughter and granddaughter which was so relaxed and fun, and I wish that all other relationships could be this way, but sadly so many are not.

I am sure that many of us have 'strained' relationships with others not so close, but related to you in some form, which gives them a reason to feel they can dictate to you, and just because you were friendly and close at one time, it does not give them the right to 'boss you about' and be generally insulting to you and your own family.

I find this a terribly sad circumstance, that someone I do respect and like has been so rude and appalling and I don't even know why?

I am not referring to anyone recently in my life, as quite frankly, this person has been absent for a few years and it was this person's choice to behave in this way. What does bother me is the constant 'stirring up of trouble', and for what? It is one of these difficult circumstances as usual, where you do not wish to upset the individual concerned.

Right now, I would love to be very rude and swear about the 'Very annoying' person who has so upset me but that is childish and pointless and all it achieves is getting your anger out.

I always think deeply on all issues and I actually have an extremely forgiving heart but this has hurt.

People and this world.

As usual, a completely spontaneous title for what ever is 'running' through my head at present. I must be honest in the fact that my thoughts are now faster than my body can handle; I am sure that I am not alone in this circumstance.

I am beginning to learn something on formatting, and have to say it is quite interesting and I will put my 'All' into this strange new medium, which quite frankly will never, ever match the human hand or eye.

So as I write within constriction, which strangely enough was my fleeting moment of a title, I feel as constricted as you could possibly be.

You have to have a 'mind-set' to remotely write in this way and I have so discovered that it is utterly alien in every way possible to 'real' writing ; if someone has that gift, then please allow them to use it properly.

I very hope this Christmas that my gifts are lots of pens and paper. Now that would truly make me smile. :-))

Christmas

How fast Christmas is approaching which takes me back to my early childhood memories and expectations. Oh to be a child again , to feel that total excitement ; I shall never forget.

I could never sleep on Christmas Eve, well some things have never changed  except it doesn't have to be Christmas Eve any more.

I loved my Christmas stocking ; always there was a book or two in it,  a tangerine and apple at the bottom of it and a coin. I used to eat the tangerine and lose the apple. Lol. There was always something I loved, usually crayons, or felt tip pens and things I could be creative with, including " Fuzzy felts", which I loved as I could use my own imagination. Also, I loved "plasticine" and used to create the dolls you would have with a proper "dolls house" and all the furniture. That was fun.:-).

We always got a "big" present too, usually only one though, and I remember being confused one year when I got two. I can't remember what age I was, but definitely less than eleven years old. I was given a large doll and a space hopper. I remember wondering why, but it was later explained that my brother was given a bike. I have since realised as I matured, that my mother is a great believer in equality, so we all had to get roughly the same, even though it wasn't. I can't even remember what my little brother got. My mum was not the one in control of the money.  The funny thing is, I couldn't have cared less, and I certainly wouldn't have had any idea about what a new bike cost, or a space hopper ; I preferred my stocking anyway as I had so much more fun with that. :D.

I did go through a little bit of jealousy at one point, when I was a little older, and I still can't remember the time scales, but it was probably still in Primary school, where I only wanted this game called "Spyrograph" as I knew my friend had asked for it. My mum probably went to great pains to get it and I have no idea what it cost, but I remember the utter jealousy I felt when my friend got "Super Spyrograph. What a 'pratt' I was.

What I have done, is continue the tradition of the Christmas stocking which I found so much fun as a child. I always make one for Denzil and Rachel, and obviously since Sian arrived, for her; this year I will make Rachel's boyfriend one too, as he is totally part of the family. :-). It is all just silly things, but that is the fun.

Christmas is so much more exciting with a child; that is why it is so lovely to have a four year old granddaughter. I used to buy for my cats too, but basically, they are much happier with the "left-overs". :-)

To me , Christmas is about remembering people and giving small gifts to show you care, even if you cannot always be there. It shouldn't be all about stress and being "out of pocket" but sadly, that is the way it has become.

The concept of Time

Time: What does that actually mean? ; living on a medium of a "clock" containing twenty-four hours, sixty minutes to the hour, sixty seconds to the minute cannot possibly work for any natural rhythms and natural processes of life.

Every soul that inhabits this world will have a different " Body clock"  anyway, so why do we try to fit everybody into the same category?  ( If I actually knew how to move this bit of writing and attach it to the last bit, I would, but sadly I don't, so I won't.)

I will continue in this format as I have little choice at the moment , however wish I could just write with a beautiful pen, and good paper, but then I would not be able to communicate to anyone other than myself, so I feel it is worth persevering in this very "slow" way.

I have a massive fascination with Astrology, and though absolutely no knowledge of the subject, Astronomy too and very doubt from my extremely limited knowledge that our concept of time works anywhere else in the Universe.

For "long and weary", people ( mostly mothers I suspect, though times are changing) have tried to force their children to sleep at an "accepted" time but that does not always work. Routines are important but not all children can possibly act accordingly to what is required by their parents. I remain as I have always been, with my own natural time clock and all individuals will have their own internal one ; children are no different.

I am perfectly aware that to work together in a successful way in any society, requires a degree of "sameness" but I just don't think we are the same so this view will never fail to produce difficulties.

Once upon a time, I can't remember the details, I remember reading about an experiment where the individuals spent time in a room with no outside stimulus and the concept of our twenty-four hour clock lost all impetus. I wouldn't have wanted to be the person who experienced that, but "fair play" to them for their participation in this very interesting subject.

Anyway, as usual, I "prattle" on but I believe in the "natural" body clock. 

Nobody can live as another soul ; be yourself. :-)

My fourth cat Tikka.

Recently, my blogs have been mainly about mental health issues and my absolute desire to help anyone I can, but for now I wish to continue on my cat theme.

I started off at nine years of age with my beautiful brown Tabby, "Tiger", then had my two lovely black cats, and I am back to another brown Tabby.

"Tikka" got her name from a curry, as at that time I spent quite a lot of time dining in Indian restaurants and I basically just thought it was a nice name. :-). She later got renamed " The Wuzzle", but I can't for the life of me remember why. It wasn't me who renamed her.

Now, here was a cat with a "spitfire" character. She had a huge personality. Somewhere I have a photograph of her as a tiny kitten, walking on her hind legs with paws outstretched chasing a bit of string. What a cat! She was very playful, and in that 'female' cat way, but had all the personality of most of my female cats, just probably a little more exaggerated, of swinging a paw at anyone who displeased her. ( my male cats have tended to be a little more laid back.) :-). "Tikka" was a 'One and only' as all my cats were but I have a special fondness for Tabby cats, possibly as that was my first experience of that lovely bond.

I quickly learned to never leave my feet hanging out the bed as I have a tendency to do, as she thought it was a great 'game' to leap on them and bite them; probably why I always tuck my feet under the covers now. :-). She never quite had the soppy quality of some of my cats, but she was very loving.

" Tikka" arrived after I lost "Porta" and I just seem to be unable to be without cats. I just so love them and feel incomplete if they are not in my life. I chose her from a litter from a couple I knew at the time, and she didn't look like her mother ; there was something different about her, not really sure what it was, but I fell in love with her immediately. We still had "Cara", my brother's dog, and they adapted well to each other. It is untrue this myth that cats and dogs do not get on.

At the time of her arrival, we were staying at my mothers house but moved about two years after. We were still in the same village and it didn't seem to upset her too much, changing houses. In fact she still probably roamed the same area as we were literally only a street away from my childhood home.

She loved boxes, and to be honest, I had never had a cat that didn't love them but she liked to snuggle in them which is more of a trait that I have noticed in my female cats.

My lovely little "Wuzzle" even though I cannot remember why she got that name. I miss her, as I miss all of my cats.

Bad hearing and new introductions.

Sometimes I seriously think I am going mad, and actually, I hope I am not, and am sure I am not.

I do seem to muddle things up though, but am not sure how I actually managed to do this??

I have spent ages and ages trying to find a song I loved , Played at our wedding, and I adore it. Maybe I just have really bad hearing or something , in fact I don't know what is wrong with me to mix up "Bryan Adams" and "Ryan Adams" as I distinctly remember thinking that I really liked this artist and noting the difference. Maybe I am seriously going mad, (Joke),
Yes, I did like Bryan Adams, a lot actually, but I seem to be missing something.

Well anyway, perhaps my idiocy was so that I would be properly introduced to Ryan Adams music ; so often it works like that. :D.

Another post about twitter.

Here I go again. I appear to write completely random thoughts, although they never are, and all "one" must do is fathom what I am trying to say.

I wrote a post ages ago about twitter and the various aspects of it, and as I haven't looked back on it, I can't remember exactly what I said, but I think it was mainly positive.

My new post on this is also written on a positive note as I feel this site has offered such a potential for people to talk, connect and help each other, and that can only be a good thing. I met a lady who I now regard as one of my best friends , on here (twitter) and I have physically met her ; she is a lovely soul and but for this medium, I would not have known she existed. It is also true to say that I have connected with many beautiful people whom I have not physically met, but have talked to long enough to understand what they are all about ; so for that reason, I feel justified in speaking as I do.

Also, as I probably mentioned before, I have had a bad experience with "Twitter", where my account was interfered with in some way, and I nearly gave it all up but for my dear husband who convinced me to try again after severe paranoia , and I am glad I listened to him as by far, the positive aspects outweigh the negative ones.

I have befriended a teddy bear on twitter who is the most helpful and kind bear you could ever meet and has done so much to help others. "Twitter" has enabled him to do that and allowed others to respond and know they are not alone.

I will defend "Twitter" as a site and would be sad to lose it should it ever become obsolete. Many people have gained very much from it and as for the negative parts, nothing is perfect.

Nerves

Being nervous is a very unpleasant feeling and I suspect most of us have felt this at some point of our lives. It  can make you feel sick, not sleep and become very anxious.

This is an entirely natural way to be, and it is only when you can conquer your own fears and just 'do' what you really feel in your heart that anything begins to change.

I do not write in accepted language at times, but I do try to use English as a way to express what I want to say, and hopefully I do it well enough.

As a young girl, I used to feel absolutely awful in front of any sort of audience and in some ways, it has ruined some of my very childish dreams. It can take so little really to completely destroy your confidence.

However, this is not about me, though that experience, and a couple of others, has actually given me the confidence to encourage others.

I am a great believer in 'change', no matter how difficult it is, if you know in your heart it will make you happier. It is never easy, and now my title does come in to it's own as I can't imagine anything which would make you more nervous, however, I would still rather cope with any consequences of  'change' than ever again be under the control of anyone who ever forced me to perform.

I found the confidence as an adult to make my own decisions, at times against adversity, but my heart knew what was right. not all of it was easy, but never once have I doubted  the path I now walk.

Always in my 'self'', those old doubts will linger, and it has destroyed my musical confidence, but I am still "me" and it may come back.

Well yet again, I am inaccurate, as this has been actually totally about me. It is always interesting trying to use the medium of a computer with a cat's tail hanging over the screen. :-)

It is actually really hard to write about  confidence , or lack of it in others, as I am quite comfortable with the fact that I can speak openly about my feelings, but I have totally realised that many people cannot.

I find this an extremely odd way to write, to space things in a certain way, it blocks natural expression. However, if I was to truly write down what I really want to say, nobody would be able to read it as my hand writing is not very legible.

Well, back to 'nerves', or nervousness in any given situation. It really all depends on what you want, and what makes you happy. All people, ever in the public eye will feel this, it merely depends on whether you want this or not; I rather think I do not, but for those "Naturals", I would suggest, just do it. :-)

I will stay in the background and one day I might play a piano behind a curtain, like "the Wizard of
Oz." I could paint the scenery too. :D

Confusion

Here I am again, completely outside my comfort zone and blogging again. I may well be quite mad, but at least I am comfortable with it, which is more than I feel using this medium.

My heater is at full blast on my sore back and that is rather bliss. :-)

I spend  my life trying to understand other people and what motivates them and makes them who they are. I haven't remotely worked it out yet, but it forever interests me.

I am terribly interested in the psychology of others, but sometimes when you look at it , it is quite scary. However, I will continue with my interest in how people "Are", and I will never feel threatened by others, as they feel they have the power to do it, and the internet is a perfect medium for them to perform.

Actually, what I do feel is just sad souls who have been hurt and fight back in anger ; this bothers me a lot, and my heart wants to help all, but sometimes they have to help themselves.

I am being ambiguous ( I spelt that correctly all on my own), and anything I do write comes completely from me, and the computer has no influence on anything I write.

I called this post "Confusion" but as usual, it was not a great title, but you have to think up something initially, and it generally works for my life. :-)

I should have called it "Psychology" , but  rather I would have invited those too difficult to handle, so will stick with  "Confusion".

Somebody very lovely, was quite right in saying that others do not have the right to bully you, and I suspect this soul is stronger than me and I truly admire this person.

To live a life of fear through someone else, no matter who, is very wrong on all levels of everything.

It is especially wrong when threatened by a complete stranger, and I will always be me and not fear such threats.

Well as usual, I am saying exactly what I feel as this is the real me, and Mr Bully, of the internet, may you please melt into something kind and good.

I feel ok to write what I want and if it offends, don't read it.

Friends

There is little more precious in this life than a good friend and they come in many forms.My childhood ones are still with me forty five years on, and we still meet up and act like the children we once were.

However, friendship extends to a much further level and I have met some "Beauties" on twitter. The internet allows you to connect with people you would not normally realise existed, and although you don't know them in person, you are actually talking to that being, and I personally think this is wonderful.If it was not for this medium, I would not have met my lovely friend @KarensPix.; she is a true friend.

I hope one day, to meet some more of the people I chat too, and am sure I will ;  it isn't all an illusion. :-).

Recently I have talked to a very lovely person, whom I feel I know anyway and I must say, that although I have not met the person in question, this is a very precious friendship, and that is exactly what it is. What a delightfully lovely being, who has become my friend. :-))

Perhaps this will not make sense, but you can even befriend a teddy bear. :-) :D

Peace

What a lovely word this is: touches the soul of all of us, as who would not want it?

We live in such a busy world, that we barely take time to be, at all, and this isn't really what it should all be about. Ideally, we should be productive and 'follow our hearts', yet have some form of relaxation in between ; however, life rarely allows this to happen. Always there are responsibilities , a normal part of everyone's lives, which should be 'honoured' and dealt with, however, there is also your own 'soul' and 'persona' to be considered.

My dear mother always has told me that "if you spread your self to thin", (no idea where that expression comes from?), then you won't be able to help anyone". I'm not entirely sure that I agree but there is a point there that has some truth. I rather would like to argue, that even if you pass on just a little bit of your heart, then you have hopefully done something positive ; on saying that, there is nobody kinder than my mother as she has a "heart of gold".- good cliché.

To get to the point that I am always so slow to reach, for now, I do feel peaceful. I have my cats, my fire and I am writing a load of 'rubbish', but it is making me feel good, so can't in my opinion be a bad thing.

In my far,distant past, in my days of depression, I desperately searched for peace and could not find it anywhere. I tried to do everything to help myself, took lots of advice, got so muddled up with all of it, then one day, helped by my friend, I realised I just had to be myself , and there lay the road to happiness.

That is the only way anyone can find inner peace- just be who you actually are. :-).

Depression

Tonight on twitter, I talked to two new people on the subject of depression and one is male and one female ; I can only estimate their ages but there is yet again this common factor of "pain".

I still believe that the most wonderful therapy possible is to be able to talk and express and it will help more than anything else can. Unfortunately, the subject of depression, in all it's forms is as "taboo" today as it ever was, which is sad and most terribly wrong.

I received a sarcastic comment from a follower, and many would have unfollowed, but I suspect this person is not so different from the rest of us, and many people suffer episodes of this "Pain" in different ways, but it really does amount to the same feeling.

Most people want "light-hearted" chat and fun and who would not ? ; but depression is a very real part of life which afflicts so many, and it is terribly wrong to ignore it; it can kill.

I write my blogs, not from a literary point point of view, but merely from a caring one, and I do care, deeply.

I always wanted to write a book on this subject but was aware I neither had the skills or knowledge to do so, but I am much obliged to the computer I never wanted to use for the opportunity to "say what I wish to do so" and nobody needs to listen or comment if not interested.

My depression, and as I no longer suffer, was caused by rampant hormones and there were probably other issues too as it really is very, very complicated  but that really was my main problem. I became very "fed up" to say the least by being misdiagnosed by the medical profession, wrongly, and it affected a very large part of my life.

However, this is merely my personal experience and it is different in every case of depression. In the end , it doesn't matter what works as long as it does and even depression is self limiting. ; it will move, even if it returns and I am "living proof" of it not returning.

However, I can merely point out what did help me through my very "dark" times. By far was the love and support that I received from my mum, and also from my brothers and friends. That was more important than anything. I had, and still do have, a very beautiful little girl, who I would never give up on, so it really is worth the fight to survive.

In my bad moments, I found certain things helped more than others. I didn't get much help from the prescription drugs but many people benefit greatly. We are all individuals and what helps one person, may not be the best treatment for another. I will say, since my problem was hormonal, there was little likelihood  that anti-depressants were actually going to make a difference but I will say that I was given an M.A.O which did help. That was the last possibility and I am not a fan of drugs.

What helped me most at the time was acupuncture, herbs and essential oils. Not a "cure all" as nothing is but they worked much better for me than anything else did.

However, talking and caring is probably the best therapy ever.

If I "blabber" on and others do not like what I write, that is up to them. I write on something so important, it should never be ignored.

The little things that "touch" your soul.

There are many occasions in life where we meet people we naturally 'Gel' with and like immediately. So often though, you swap phone numbers, and never encounter the person again. This was not the case today.

About three weeks ago, my husband and myself went out to celebrate that he had just signed a deal with a publisher on his first crime thriller, in fact his first novel, which may I say is rather wonderfully written and very compelling. For anyone interested, it is called "Whisky from small glasses" by D.A.Meyrick and is available from RingwoodPublishing.com .

The evening started by meeting a very lovely old man who told us stories of his experiences in the second world war, then later we met a very nice "couple" who were on a "short break" for the lady's sixtieth birthday ; like me, she is Scottish and we found many things to chat about. I really liked her and she seemed a little perturbed at the end of the evening, so I gave her my phone number.

Tonight, whilst doing my usual routine, I got a phone call out of the "blue" and she decided to "call" me as she had enjoyed our conversation and wanted to chat some more. It was completely unexpected and I feel quite honoured that she did so ; hard to explain, but it 'touched my heart' that I made enough of an impression on her that she would contact me. Rarely on a 'random' meeting do we actually contact the person again.

Anyway, I will speak with her again as she bothered enough to phone me. I'm still quite amazed actually that she felt she wanted to keep in touch after such a brief meeting. That has actually made my day.:-)

A Trifle

I have always seen a "trifle" as having many layers much like society really. The cream is at the top and many swim around in the jelly, absorbing the problems of being at the lower end of life,struggling because of the utter selfishness of those who do not think or care.

The Sponge which soaks up the jelly, is the souls who work hard and never get a chance, but always the Sponge tries to help.

Then, we have the jelly, which encompasses the sponge and traps it so it may not move on.

We can add a little bit of healthy fruit in here, but it is already heading towards the next layer, not wanting to be associated with either the sponge or jelly.

Let us now add the middle layer of custard, as we begin to leave the poor sponge entrapped in the jelly.  Sweet and delicious as it is, we forget about the bottom layers; the trifle gets tastier as we move upwards.

Add a spreading of double whipped cream, and all is now forgotten ; a few sprinkles and there is your trifle.

I went off  trifle a long time ago.

Human Relationships

There is nothing quite so interesting as the way human beings behave towards one another. They really are odd creatures that do not fit into how (humans) try to categorise anything.

It would seem, and probably is true, that animals follow certain behavioural patterns that makes them them, but I am sure there is no simplicity in any of this?

Humans, who believe their species is above the animal world, are very foolish as there is an instinctive way to be that we seem to "rubbish", and I really don't understand why? Animals and all other forms of life, and I am hopeless at getting all the names right, so little point in losing the "thread of my thoughts"- just are. They act as they do, and don't complicate everything. In my experience of my love for them, they always respond and give you equally back what you give to them: not so the case with human beings.

My husband is a brilliant writer and uses words wonderfully. I do not share his talent and use them fairly badly. However, I like the freedom to express, so use them in my own way. Here I will talk of complete love, and to me it's all the same love: Denzil, Rachel, Sian, Wee Boy,Suzy, my mum, my friends, my brothers, my sister, my step mum, my dad, friends I see no longer, my cousins, my aunts,my uncles - it just goes on. Suzy and Wee Boy are my cats whom I love as much as any human being.

My ability with words is not brilliant but I can recognise that love is the most important thing that exists, and if we realised that, we all would not argue so much.

I was upset by the fact that someone very close to me was upset by the words of another person, which were just said without thought. What is the old saying? "Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me"? That is the version I knew anyway,and actually, there is little more hurtful than words:once spoken, you cannot take them back and in some cases it takes years to repair the damage caused by them-so sad.

An animal, is unquestioning, loyal to the last, and often in my opinion, way above human behaviour.

I was told a long time ago, not to write, speak or basically do anything when I was stressed, but as a fifty year old adult female, I don't really need to listen any more.I started this blog as a sort of public diary which people may read if they wish, it's their choice, but I will retain the freedom to write it in my own way with no rules.; I truly hate rules!

My titles are never what I suggest, but I need to call my blogs something. I just let my thoughts run free and see what I come up with.

I have always been useless at finishing anything, as nothing truly does finish.However, I will end this blog with mentioning again my utter love for all animals, and they are not remotely beneath us human beings, but rather on a much higher level than most of us can hope to be.

My continuing theme on my cats.

Here I will speak of my my third cat "Porta", named by my elder brother from one of the characters in the Sven Hassel books which I loved. However, before I do, I mentioned nothing of my previous two cats litters. Tiger had a beautiful little kitten named "Monty" who went to live with my brother's girlfriend at that time, and "Mo" had two litters, the first two whom I named "Mehitabel" and "Jock" and a second litter of three kittens named "Lusitania", "Amoeba" and "Piccaso". I am quite sure they were all re-named when they went to their new homes and I was only fifteen years old at the time. :-)."Porta" was my first male cat.

"Porta", like "Mo" was black and I got him from a farm near where I lived. I missed "Mo" so much and though you can never replace a cat, they all have their own personalities, and "Porta" had a very large personality. At the time, my mum was a mature student at "Jordan Hill" College in Glasgow, studying "Primary Teaching" and one of her fellow students' cat had just had a litter. I had previously trawled around Possil Park trying to locate a Tabby kitten I had met with a woman on a bus, when I worked in a home for the elderly in Lambhill. She gave me her address but when I called there was no reply so I missed out on that kitten, (and now think back that it probably wasn't very sensible at nineteen years old,wandering around by myself in search of a kitten in Glasgow at night, but that's how much I love cats. :-) ). However I had no regrets in getting "Porta" who was a complete soppy beast as all my male cats have been.

In the meantime, a year earlier, my younger brother had got a labrador/collie cross pup who was just adorable, her name being "Cara". So by the time "Porta" arrived, she was only a year old. She completely mothered my new kitten and they became "firm" friends. They used to lie on the couch together and "Porta" would wrap his paws around "Cara's " neck. It was so sweet to see.

I still laugh to this day on what I call "The incident with the kipper". My older brother was about to cook one for himself, but left it unattended for a few moments and "Porta" stole it and ran up the back garden with it. I was in fits of laughter watching him chase "Porta" all round the garden trying to retrieve it, not as it could be eaten any more but he was determined if he couldn't have it then the cat wasn't eating it! Needless to say, the cat won. :-)). Still makes me laugh to this day.

Sadly, and even more sadly after he caught my fifteen year old budgie, whom one of us had forgotten to lock the cage of (Poor wee "Dougie", :-((, he was another victim of traffic at only a year and a half old. It broke my heart, especially as I witnessed it. It wasn't the driver's fault, he just dashed onto the road. "Cara" was really depressed and I swore I would get no more cats but I just had too.

Like my previous two cats, he brought me so much joy.

"Whisky from small glasses"

I cannot possibly describe how proud I am of my husband D.A.Meyrick or @lochlomonden on twitter for writing this wonderful crime thriller, set in the West coast of Scotland. He is one talented man.

For anyone interested, it's all on the website of http://ringwoodpublishing.com/

My husband, Denzil to me, is a very talented man in many ways. He is not only a very talented writer, which you will realise if you read this book, through the wonderful description of everything, from scenery to his characters, who come so alive, you feel you might know them in real life.It is a totally fictional book and I have proofread it so I am lucky enough to have read it in a "different" way than just picking the book up, but believe me, he's an extremely talented writer. However, he has many other talents.

When I first met him, I instantly knew he was a musician, and he's an extremely good one. He has a baritone voice which sounds Like "Frank Sinatra" and "Neil Diamond" and he plays guitar, saxophone and is just a very good musician. He's also an extremely good cartoonist and mimic.

I am not boasting, rather just pointing out the merits of a talented man.

I really hope that people will read this book, and realise the skill in how he writes. It's a work of fiction, brilliantly written and I so wish I had his talent.

Beethoven

What could anyone say on Beethoven other than sheer brilliance. To go all through the nine symphonies  and listen to tonight's performance was truly wonderful. I literally cannot describe the feeling it produced in me.

I have been listening to Beethoven forever, or rather it feels like that. as from the time of being a tiny little girl, aged three, I heard his music as my mum loved it. We used to listen to what I called Radio Three but I'm not sure I understood the BBC bit at that age; I merely loved his music.

Later on we had records, from my uncle and I progressed from "The Pastoral", Symphony no.6 to many other composers, including Chopin, Ravel, and many others, and so my love of classical music grew. I learned how beautifully Julian Bream played classical guitar and what a harp sounded like.

However, and I have discovered many composers since whom I love, and the musicians who perform their music, but Beethoven will always have a special place in my heart, yes, because it's something my mum and I just loved listening to together, and I just listened so intently, I felt I had every note and rhythm in my heart and if I could sing every part of the orchestra at once, I would.

I agree with my mum on the symphonies she liked best apart from the fourth which is  one of my favourites. She agreed in the end too. The first two she felt, were a bit like Mozart, which I see no problem with at all, but I know what she meant. The third, "Eroica", she adored and she loves the seventh and the ninth is the absolute conclusion to sheer beauty. So I basically will totally thank my dear mother for my total love of Beethoven.

In younger and sillier days, my mum and I used to prance around the living room, pretending we could actually perform ballet, and what a wonderful memory that is, which will never leave me. :-).

My mum never played an instrument , and probably never got the opportunity to learn but she danced, and I would have loved to have learned to do that, but we give each other different things. She gave me the chance to learn piano and violin later and I an eternally grateful for that.Most of all though, she gave me my love of Beethoven, and it will remain forever.

As a pianist, I had a great adoration of his piano concertos, another of my gifts in listening from my mum. We started as usual with the 5th (Emperor) and progressed through the earlier ones; all beautiful, but the slow movement of the 5th will always be part of me.

I was a reasonable pianist, I think, well got good grades, and my teacher believed in me but I only went so far, but I did play the first movement of the "moonlight sonata", think that is grade five, and loved playing it. His music is technically difficult, hence the brilliance of him.

Anyway, enough ranting for tonight. I will always love Beethoven's music.

A new day.thing

I feel inspired to write this by a comment on twitter, which was a response to me wondering "What tomorrow may bring"? The answer was "Magic" and "Wonderment" and to enjoy the day. May I say this made me smile and I thought that it was a lovely way to look at life.

Sometimes when we go to bed, we dread the next day, if it holds something we don't want to do, so we create scenarios, and they are not usually as bad as we imagine, but it takes a lot of will to follow through what you don't want to do: in my own personal experience, this usually happens because you have had a bad personal experience previously. However, I realise I am not remotely alone in this feeling.

This is an extremely personal thing which will have individual meanings to us all.

I am not writing this about myself, although it could so easily apply, but I feel sympathetic to the individual concerned.

In many ways, I would like to "practice what I preach", but alas I do not. I still live with my own fears, and it's an awful lot easier to advise someone else than to do the same thing yourself.

The whole point is though, to try to find a way through the past experiences and issues that hold us back from being our true selves. We all have a right to be ourselves and not be controlled by anyone, whether it be governments, or any other "body", that has that power.

Everyone should live within standards that are exceptable  to all, but we should never dread tomorrow for the sake of any other's actions.

Life really is beautiful when you open your eyes to it. Just being out in the garden on a sunny day in Scotland, which has been rare this summer, can do wonders for your soul. :-). ;just being with the people you love is all important.; losing your past issues is much harder but by no means impossible.

Here is to tomorrow and the joy of living. :-)

Plans.

I have never in my whole life been a fan of planning anything. In my experience, plans never work out as you want them too, so you just end up disappointed after all the original stress of trying to make them work, for all involved in the first place! It all seems pretty pointless to me.

I am a naturally spontaneous person who likes to live for the moment, especially as you never quite know how you are going to feel at any given time.It may be extremely obvious that I also write my blogs in this way but this is just who I am and how I operate.

Actually, in the process of planning events, I usually know how they will transpire. I will wake up with a sore back, a road will be closed somewhere, we will get lost, no-one will agree on what they want to do, I will end up making the picnic, I will not have enough tea and so the list goes on. I should laugh really as it usually turns out fine and you enjoy it, it's just the planning of it I dislike.

I've never been into holidays where every day involves something you have to see or do. To me, a holiday means escaping your normal stresses, not having to do them in a different way. Maybe I am not a true traveller at heart.

I personally think that some of the best experiences of my life have been totally impromptu.they have certainly been my happiest ones.


I love seeing anything new, I love museums, I love live music, and I love isolated places of beauty. I just can't do it all at once.


For me, I work at my best when I just feel like doing something, whether it be playing piano, reading, using the computer or doing crosswords; I work with my mood at the time. That is a brief description of a few things I would choose. 


I have never really thought that my mum and myself were terribly similar, but we are in that way; she hated plans too. :-)

In my last blog, I wrote a brief comment on someone I very liked who passed over. Nobody could have planned for that to happen so why do we at all?

There is not one of us who can possibly know what is ahead, no matter how we try to work it out, and nobody loves analysis more than me. We just really don't know what will happen, so hence the pointlessness of plans.

However, I do appreciate that to function in this world, at times they are necessary, or maybe we would never do anything!. However, adaptation is a great skill and it's something worth remembering. :-)
 

Death

Today,I went to the  funeral of a very lovely person whom I knew for a long time. She was a beautiful person, in every sense of the word; I mean, absolutely beautiful as she had a heart of gold, like all her family.
        One of the saddest things about this is, is that people kind of "lose touch" to some extent and it's only when they pass over that you suddenly remember all the wonderful bits about them; they were never forgotten, merely life goes on with our own personal issues and we lose track of others.
What I will always remember about this absolutely beautiful soul is her determination, what a "laugh" she was, her loyalty to all, and how much she "Stood up for me" in the face of adversity;What an absolute "Gem" she was, and will always be, and I hope she knows I am saying this.


I aspire to people like her and those close whom I was privileged to be around. 
Many would say I should not write this, but I want to and I wish there were more people like her in this world; she wouldn't even have minded the mistakes in my writing; she was everything we should aspire to be;a true gem!


Rest in peace you lovely soul.  Fiona xxxxx 

Just thoughts

I just like writing what I feel at the time, so I will do so.

I have had both a frustrating and inspiring day. It started with my "Hoover", which technically is a vacuum cleaner but it will always be a "Hoover" to me as that was who made them when I was little. It wouldn't lift the various deposits on the carpet, the cat hair, the crisps, curtesy  of my gorgeous four year old granddaughter, the general mess that always ends up on a carpet or actually anything whatsoever. Well, I decided to take this "Hoover" to bits as I had gathered that the tube was blocked, and then I truly wished I had not bothered to do so.What a job this was! I had to remember where every screw was, to put it back together, thought I had actually managed to unblock the lower tube, but realised that was not the actual problem; the problem was in the other tube, the one that is supposed to be easy to remove but just isn't! My goodness, I could go on about this "Hoover" for ever but it really was extremely annoying and time consuming.

I gave up on the first episode of trying to fix it, but being the stubborn individual that I am, I had to try again, This time after eventually removing other hose and detecting blockage with the help of my husband. After him suggesting using his "stick", I finally dislodged the offending article which was a bit of cardboard that dust had gathered round, caused by my cats scraping boxes. All that for a bit of cardboard! The "Hoover" was nearly fired out the window, so short my patience was, yet I can have endless patience  for what I like.

Now I will get to the nice ending to this frustrating experience. I did eventually fix this annoying appliance and ended up having a very interesting (in twitter language), chat with the clever and I think, very talented @AndrewDBaird1. I have a huge interest in Astrology but I do not have the knowledge, though it is something you could forever study. I would like to learn more on "The houses", which I barely understand, I didn't quite get that far. I understand some of the aspects in Astrology, but it is a highly complicated subject and I massively want to learn more. Anyway, if anyone out there wants to learn more, I would recommend Andrew, as I just know he has complete instinct and knows what he is talking about. I will be ever fascinated on this whole subject.

From "Hoovers", which are "Vacuum cleaners" to Astrology, it has been an interesting day. :-)

Next cat

To continue on my cat theme, I am going to write about my beautiful little cat "Mo".

After the disappearance of my gorgeous "Tiger", whom I missed greatly, I heard of a litter of kittens from a friend. Her cat had had a litter of four kittens and "Mo" was the tiniest. She was absolutely lovely and I instantly fell in love with her. She was a black cat, quite similar to "Suzy" who I have now. However she had a completely different personality.

"Mo" was a tree climber from the beginning and I still laugh at the memory of her getting stuck up a tree as a kitten at my Granddad's, just before we were about to leave for the train. He had to get out a stepladder to rescue her, but I rather think she could quite easily have climbed down. I think she just liked his garden. :-). Anyway, we made the train in the end. She probably didn't want to go in the cat box. That's fair enough.

"Mo", like "Tiger",was a very affectionate little cat but didn't have "Tiger"s following me everywhere instincts. Maybe that's a Tabby trait which I will go into more detail later on my four Tabbies. She would curl herself around my neck when she wanted petted and had a very loud "purr".

She liked my mother's Copper Beech tree too and spent many an hour up there watching what ever she wanted to. The tree is now more mature (obviously) as it was just a young tree when my dad transplanted it from my Uncle's garden in Devon and now it is just lovely. Incidentally, when I was young and fit, I spent a bit of time up that tree myself so I can see the attraction of just being there. However, I don't suppose "Mo" wanted to read as I did. Lol.

I had "Mo" for five lovely years until she became a victim of traffic. It still makes me sad to remember but she had her freedom. Later I will write on why I have house cats now, but this is the first clue.

Cats

Since I was a tiny girl, I have always loved cats; actually all animals but especially cats. I grew up with a beautiful black Labrador called Honour who I adored , and in addition we got a lovely wee budgie called Dougie but I always wanted a cat.

When I was nine years old, my grandma took me to Gourock to stay with my aunt. One day whilst out playing I made friends with a lovely little cat and told my grandma about her. She was very thin, and incredibly hungry and as it turned out pregnant and very young. My grandma rescued her (both her and my aunt loved cats) and I wrote a begging letter to my dad asking if I may keep her. I didn't hold out much hope but amazingly he agreed . As we were going to Devon when I went home, my Grandma looked after "Judy" as I had now named her, while we were away. She so fell in love with her though, she couldn't bear to part with her. Instead, I was given a beautiful little tabby kitten whom I named "Tiger" and she became the "Joy of my life". :-).

"Tiger" was a beautiful female cat with a lot of love to give. ( And I still got to visit "Judy"). She used to follow me everywhere and literally did follow me to school a couple of times which was most amusing, to say the least. ( A bit like the nursery rhyme.."Mary had a little lamb".) I had four and a half lovely years with her, then she decided to share two different houses ;mine and that of a family who started feeding her and wouldn't stop doing so, even though asked politely not to. She was well fed and loved, but apparently she threatened the Bantam hens! Well that was their excuse.

This may sound hypocritical as we adopted "Judy" but my grandma did try to find out who she belonged to, and she was obviously starving, but these people knew she belonged to me. It got to the stage where I had to go and ask for my cat back everyday, but the lady continued to feed her. It still annoys me to this day.

Eventually I gave up, and told them just to keep her. Sadly, shortly after, she disappeared and I never found out what happened to her. I loved that little cat.

I have written so much on her, I will save what I write on all the lovely cats I have had and the beautiful two I have now,for another blog.

Happiness

My blogs recently seem to have been a little to serious so it's time to look at the other side of life.

To me, the whole happiness thing is about who you have around you and it's often just about simplicity. It's about being loved and returning that love. It really is that simple.

My personal happiness is all wrapped up in one sweet bundle called Denzil, Rachel, Sian, Weeboy and Suzy. :-). This is my own personal wee family and they give me great joy. This family will grow and already has with my introduction to my daughter's lovely boyfriend, some eight months ago. Jason is such a nice person and just feels like one of my family now. Of course, I have a far more extended family and love all of them too, but there is something terribly special about your own , closest ones. I don't think I have put this very well but I know what I mean. Incidentally, Wee boy and Suzy are my beautiful cats.

To add to this, where would I be without my friends? Old or new, they give me so much, whether it be reminiscing with my two best friends from primary one (forty five years ago, scary to think where time has gone) or walking with my friend of five years to Loch Lomond or visiting the lovely old lady who so warmly welcomed me when I moved here. Another new friend I met on twitter and was so pleased to meet her in real life. The lovely @KarensPix . I have lots of other lovely twitter friends too though haven't physically met them, but they brighten my day.

Happiness is seeing my two little nieces and granddaughter running around together, having a laugh about old times with my brothers, listening to classical music and remembering the past with my mum, laughing at my husband's banter with my dad.

It's easy to see all the negative sides of life at times, but it's equally easy to see the positive sides

As I said, when I decided to write my blog, I said it would be my thoughts and really just a diary of them which I have decided to share. My whole reasoning behind this is to try to help others but I'm not sure I have achieved what I wanted to do.

I was warned that I may be judged,disagreed with and many other things but I have always wanted to try to clear up many of the misconceptions of others, and this is my reason for continuing to write as I do.

This is also the reason that I write about myself, as it is a diary, and how else can I comment on anything unless I try to let you know something of myself.

It doesn't make me anything other than honest. I, no more than anyone else belong in any kind of box, may it be a pigeon hole or any other hole that no free creature should really be in.

Again, I am being honest, only because I intrinsically  feel it is wrong to trap anything or anybody but that is our way of being, unfortunately.

I am controversial, but not just for the sake of it, merely because I believe in everything .
I truly do.

I question myself massively, all the time and I am quite capable of writing this in a different form, but have personally chosen to use this one.

I still find writing massively restricted by this medium but I will persevere.

I knew before I started writing this that I would be immediately catagorised ( I am aware it is incorrectly spelt, but am not good at spell check) so I hope I get most of it right. Actually, I don't use it at all.

Diagnosis of anyone is a minefield and produces very much pain for an individual when completely wrongly done. On this I speak from experience and it is as my husband might say "too long and weary", an expression not from my area.

Regardless on how I am viewed for what I have decided to write, in my own way, I will continue my thoughts.

I am actually a very compassionate person who has only ever really wanted to ease suffering and pain and who is just a lot "worn out" and has a terribly sore back.

Also, if you look deep enough, I have a wicked sense of humour. :-)

Me

I think I am an all or nothing person at times. I feel bursts of creativity which, depending on what is happening in my life, can be followed with malaise but I am aware of the reason for this. I hugely dislike drudgery but like everyone else, it's part of my existence.

Perhaps I have allowed it to be too much so, not sure as I truly care for all, but it can hold you back as I am selfish enough to wish I actually was "selfish" at times. This must sound totally egotistical, and perhaps it is, but basically, I have always just wanted to understand the world and help people where I can. I also would like to have been a concert pianist but I think reality has made me realise that that was just a little over-ambitious  and that is where ego appears and reality wins. :-)

I am being rather flippant as I utterly believe in people going for what they feel inside is them and they are the people whom achieve.

I was talking to a very lovely, and talented lady on twitter (wonderful medium for meeting people like you) who loves words,poetry ,and art.(also photography). We talked about the wonderful Van Gogh who painted from his soul. I loved his creations and my heart goes out to what he must have suffered but my goodness, he portrayed it in his work. We all benefit from his suffering; he was brilliant. It's such a shame that someone has to suffer so deeply to give so much to others.

This is however, very much how I believe in life, the afterlife and our souls. We learn and try to pass on the lessons we have learned to others. We all get lots of it wrong, and I am an expert at that, but none of us should ever stop trying to make other's lives better, in all forms of life.

I probably sound quite mad, which may I say, I am not. In the past I suffered from depression and I don't now, due to the "removal" of my ovaries and hormone problems, but that is definitely a different story which perhaps I will be able to tell you one day. I'm fine now. :-)

Well, I'll finish now. I will either write lots of blogs in a short space of time or there may be a large gap.It will totally depend on what else is happening.

I have always been hopeless at finishing anything except on a piano, so.....Imperfect cadence. Lol.

Anger

Interestingly , since I have used the title "Anger", I should be feeling it more as it's taken ages to find what I wanted to do as I'm still a total novice with computers, but well have eventually found my way to this page, so here I will once more write my thoughts and they are on the title.

Anger is a perfectly normal emotion and I am beginning to realise that as normal as it is, and no matter how justified, when you feel it, it colours your judgement and stops your clear thinking.

Today I felt angry, stupidly I suppose as I personally saw another's comments and observations as unjust and unfair and not true, but now that I have calmed my thoughts I take time to think on why they made those observations. I still don't agree and still believe they were unfair but at least I can think more about why I have responded as I did, and also how it altered how I differently responded to others.

Life very often is about response and though it wasn't at all what I was talking about, it brings me back to twitter. I feel that, because I was angry about other circumstances, I wrote back to others on a quick response mechanism without taking time to consider what I was saying. I don't think I wrote anything bad, in fact I know I know I didn't but I don't feel I made myself clear in what I was trying to say.

I should have titled this "Response", not "Anger" ; However, it is all part of the same emotion.

Anger can make you achieve a lot by the adrenalin produced by such feeling but it also exhausts you and is unproductive in this way.

Because I felt this anger today, it affected my whole way of thinking and I could instantly feel myself retreating to my "shell" but I didn't. I went out and faced the world (or rather my own fears) and people were their usually lovely selves where I live, and it is only my own insecurities that produce my anger.

What a silly person I can be but maybe we are all a bit like this at times.

Noise

Amazingly, I have found the new post title immediately. This is a rare circumstance.

I decided I would write about noise as I find it at times very disturbing and most certainly did in the past but just read something  that is very true in that you must learn to just let it be there.

In the past, when I was extremely stressed and uptight, I couldn't stand the noise of traffic, dogs barking, lawn mowers, drills, anything basically alien to the beauty in my head of music, which I kept playing in my head to rid myself of this awful sound. However, my worst thing was "The Fridge". It just buzzed and buzzed and I honestly got to the stage where I could have heaved it into the garden just so that I never had to be that "jangled up" again. I really hated my fridge! I would like to say at this point that I have forgiven it, and though it is a different one, I have but it still annoys me to this day, merely doesn't sound as loud unless I think about it.

Noise is noise and not melodic or beautiful. We grow used to it being there all the time and accept it, in fact we become completely oblivious to it! I so wish I could, but I am getting better at accepting it. I suppose it all depends how I am feeling at the time.

Sometimes I cannot believe that I write all this, but I still don't think it's wrong. Merely something to consider and only my own personal experience.

As you grow older, your senses can become less acute, and in some ways I find this easier, but that is a completely different story. I think I feel much more comfortable and happier so perhaps this is why I can move "noise" aside now, but I will never really grow comfortable with it.

Melody is very different, whether it be a piano, voice, violin, guitar, saxophone and so the list goes on. I will add to this the sound of wind and rain on my window. It is melodic and beautiful.

Strangely, when you do feel relaxed, a buzzing sound can accentuate that feeling so in the end of my rambling thoughts, I will think of bees whom are wonderful.Maybe I will write about them one day. :-)

Confidence

I was speaking to a lady on twitter recently, whom is a lovely person, and she said she enjoyed my blog and admired my inner confidence. I was truly amazed that I had come across as confident as nothing could be further from the truth as I have lacked it all my life. I think perhaps, that this medium suits me as I can just say what I am thinking without interruption or having to compete with others to make my voice heard.

As a child, and being involved in musical pursuits, there were times I had to compete and I cannot describe how much I hated that. I remember playing violin in the Falkirk festival and being so nervous, my violin was bouncing up and down as I was shaking so much. I don't think competing is a very good way of judging a person's ability and it's completely up to personal taste at times. I just wasn't good at this, though I sat my grades on piano and one exam on violin and was fine on a one to one basis and did well in exams; I just hated performing to an audience and being judged.

Here is the difference between a personality like mine and those of my brothers. Both performed in bands on stage and revelled in it. It's not to say they weren't nervous, I suspect they just believed in themselves more than I did. It was always a dream of mine, I just couldn't handle the nerves.

However, confidence can be attained, you just have to work at it like everything else. It is also helped by people who care about you helping to build it. For this I thank my dear husband  @lochlomonden for teaching me what is important and what is not and to believe I can actually learn new skills. If not for him, I wouldn't be writing this now as I didn't think I would ever be able to work a computer.


Well just a short entry, but for all of you who doubt that you can achieve , go for it and believe in yourselves.

Music

All my life I have totally adored music, especially classical although I have very wide tastes.I like anything from Jazz to Rock music to Bluegrass but my first choice will always be classical.

I first started listening to classical music with my mother when I was three years old. (Well, possibly before that but I can't remember anything before the age of three.). I vividly remember loving The "Pastoral" symphony (No.6) by Beethovan at this age and apparently asked for it to be put on frequently. I progressed to loving many composers as I grew up, developing a particular passion for Chopin especially his second piano concerto which I always asked my mum to put on at bedtime so as I could get to sleep.  To this day I can remember every scratch on the record, so embedded it is on my memory.

When I was about six or seven years old, a friend of my mum's used to occasionally look after me and she had a piano. Her daughter was learning to play and was excellent so I was desperate to learn. I used to sit and pretend I could play it but had not much idea what to do, so when I turned nine years old, I got my wish and was sent for piano lessons which I loved from the word go. I consider myself very lucky as even then, lessons were expensive and it must have been difficult for my parents to afford them. At that time they cost five guineas per quarter.

Unfortunately my parents separated when I was eleven years old and I thought I was going to have to give my lessons up as my mother could no longer afford them but my wonderful teacher reckoned I had talent and taught me for free for three years before I moved on to lessons through my school where prices were subsidised. I will never, ever forget her for that gift.She is sadly now deceased but she was a fantastic teacher and terrific person.

In the meantime, I had began violin lessons at the age of eleven, through my school, which as I have mentioned, were subsidised. I found violin very difficult to begin with, especially the bowing technique, but once I got the hang of it, I loved playing. I played up to 5th grade on violin, though left school before I had chance to sit that grade, and I sat to grade 5 on piano though played up to 7th grade.

I am so grateful for being given the chance to learn both instruments and have in the past helped others to get started on piano. My daughter took lessons and was doing really well but didn't want to continue which was a pity but I don't believe in forcing children to learn.There are too many pushy parents around. My granddaughter is also showing signs of being musical so I will help her all I can if she shows an interest in piano.

I have only recently started practising seriously again on my keyboard, as sadly I can't afford a good piano at present, but am enjoying playing again. I am working on three fifth grade pieces at present; Miniature in D minor (No.2) by Gedike, First movement of Fantasia No. 10 in A minor (allegro) by Telemann and first movement from Sonatina in G no.1 (Allegro non tanto) by Dussek. I am also trying to get my scales back up to standard;my lovely teacher was "big" on scales.

Hopefully one day I may buy another violin though, as I haven't played in years, it will take a lot of work to be decent on that again

Twitter

Now here I can write about something I really enjoy but I rather think that not all will agree with me.

I have only been able to use a computer for just over a year and now I wonder why I was so against it before as it is a wonderful tool. I use email, you tube, and google is great but I have to say, I am well impressed with twitter. On this sight I have met lots of lovely people and have met my friend @KarensPix whom I would never have known otherwise and she is just great.

I fairly regularly meet up with two friends I have known since Primary 1 and we always have a great time and a laugh but I think, they think, I am quite mad for using twitter as they are not "in" to such things but I would say, "Don't mock what you haven't tried". They have the opinion that it is very risky talking to "strangers" and whilst I must admit there is certainly some truth in this, I think this also applies to anyone you meet or talk to in any walk of life. There are good and bad people everywhere. I should incidentally qualify that I have physically met my friend and acknowledge that I use the word "met" too often and haven't used it in best context. Lol.

I nearly gave up twitter altogether back in January as my twitter account was hacked and I found the whole experience very upsetting. I got really paranoid and it took me ages before I would write freely again as I was so mistrustful. However, my dear and patient husband, knowing how much I enjoyed it, persuaded me to give it another go and so I did. I must have been "driving him daft" as I asked him to wipe my computer in case it had some awful virus but I think it was just a "twitter" hack. This is one of the negative sides of twitter and probably other sites too, but I know nothing of them. I don't understand why anyone does this sort of thing, but I have always tried to see the good in people and can be naive at times. I am working on this.

I do not by any means speak to everyone I follow and should probably make more effort to reduce my list but I never quite get round to it. I do , however like speaking to my regular friends and sometimes you get talking to new people by just responding to a comment or someone responding to one of yours. I must say that I couldn't care less how many followers I have, that is something I don't really understand. what's the point if you don't converse?

Many people say twitter should not be used for self-promotion but I do not particularly agree unless that is the sole use of twitter. It is a good way to get recognition of your skills and I can't see that as being wrong.
People should share their talents with each other and to me it promotes warmth and kindness between each other.

For me, who is usually a little reticent in speaking my true mind, I'm getting a little bolder so I hope I do not upset anyone with my opinion. It felt liberating to write it. Other's do so maybe I can too.

Whitby

I haven't updated my blog for a little while so will write a bit about my recent trip to Whitby.

We drove down on Monday, (well my husband did as I have refused to drive for the last twelve years due to the amount of traffic and idiots on the roads.). This was a great opportunity to test our new car over a bit of distance and it ran beautifully on the motorway. It is a Nissan Qashqai and it's only faults are, it doesn't pull away well in first gear and doesn't like steep hills, otherwise it performed very well. We had a pretty easy run down but when we arrived in Whitby it was absolutely mobbed and it took a while to get through the town and over an hour and a half to find a parking place. We hadn't thought about the fact it would be the Jubilee when we booked.

After eventually getting parked, we checked out the accommodation  which was excellent and nice and central, dumped our bags there and went for a welcome couple of pints.We got fish and chips on way back and then just went back to flat and relaxed and I did some sewing.

The next day we went for a wander through the town and founds some lovely little shops including a great second hand book shop where I got yet another astrology book. This was followed by a lovely lunch where we got chatting to a lovely old couple. After returning to the flat for a while, we went out for dinner and a couple of drinks for my belated 50th birthday.

However, the highlight of my trip was meeting the lovely @karenspix and her husband. We first started chatting on twitter then began writing to each other so it was fantastic to finally meet her. We got on really well and I finally finished knitting and sewing her blanket just in the nick of time. We had lunch and chatted all afternoon.It was an absolutely lovely day.

I will certainly  be returning to Whitby again.

Summer heat

I have just been asked when my next posting on my blog will be, and as this week will be busy, there is no time like the present.

Well I must say summer has most definitely arrived and much as I love the warmth of the sun, I'm finding it quite hard to cool down. I even borrowed Denzil's fan tonight which is a new experience for me as normally I am sitting by my heater. Lol.

I must say that my front garden is looking at it's best just now if you ignore the weeds in between. My poennie roses are in full bloom and are gorgeous, the  "London Pride" makes a lovely border and I have other pretty plants in bloom. Unfortunately, they all come out at this time and I have nothing planted for later but it's lovely for now.I did cut the grass yesterday amongst it's dandelions, daisys and buttercups which I actually think look pretty but gardeners of the true type would not agree. Weeds are merely wild flowers and have their place. I get lots of poppies seeding and I think they are pretty but again, I have been told they are a weed.

Whilst I find such heat a bit difficult to cope with at night, one of my favourite things of this time of year is the mass of colour around.. It's just lovely.

Still on the subject of gardens and heat, my potatoes are certainly pleased. :-). I have planted two tubs and they are coming up well now. I can't wait to eat them. Nothing tastes better than newly dug up potatoes smothered in butter. May not be healthy but they are just divine.

I'm feeling very sorry for my mum being stuck in hospital  during this beautiful spell but I have to say that she was looking very much better than before she was admitted. The nurses, doctors and everyone seem to have been very efficient and attentive which is good to hear nowadays when they have had a certain amount of bad press. Hopefully she will get home mid-week.

Another result of this warm weather is it makes my cats sleep a lot, though on saying that, they have decided to wake up now and start playing. Well, they are nocturnal animals. :-). (A bit like their owner, or maybe I should change that as I think they actually own me.). :-). They also don't eat as much but I suppose that's just like humans as my appetite is less when it's hot.

Will finish up now as heading off to Balfron tomorrow to take Sian to nursery then she will come back here and stay overnight. Hope I can sleep! No duvet tonight.

Yet another day.

Well , here I am again, late as always but this is my time where I can think and speak. Life has been so hectic recently that I can barely draw breath.

My mum is in hospital but she's alright but it has been a little worrying to say the least. Nothing is as bad as first thought as the doctors thought she had a bleed in her stomach but this turns out not to be the case. She has had some bleeding in her throat and imflamed gullet but is recovering. She's still quite weak and getting physiotherapy and hopefully will get home soon.

I went last night to Glasgow to my daughter's college to watch her perform as Mary Queen Of Scots and although I am possibly slightly biased, she was brilliant. This is my daughter being what she is naturally good at. I feel that we should all find a way to not only display our talents but to just enjoy being who we naturally are. We all seem to work against our true being to fit in with what other's think.

I am laughing to myself as it was so cold earlier in May that we bought a new heater and now it is so hot I won't be using it. I don't like being cold but it is easier to warm up than cool down. I suppose we are never happy.

I am looking at my beautiful little grand-daughter who is sound asleep now. She found it hard to fall asleep tonight which I think had a lot to do with the heat. I find it also uncomfortable.

Well anyway, it's just a short update as I am extremely tired. Also , it goes without saying that my husband is getting a great response to his book and even interest in it being filmed. I am proud of my family and you just never know, one day you might hear my piano music. :-)

Changing Times.

Well here I am again, late as usual but it is my time of peace and when I can actually concentrate best. I will excuse myself by remembering it is early Saturday morning and that I am merely awake in a different way than I was when I was younger. I used to always go out on a Friday night and would happily sit well in to the early hours chatting, and trying to solve the world. I never actually managed to solve any of the problems that exist in this world but I have never stopped caring or trying my best. That is what I wish to be written on my gravestone when I pass over, " I tried".

I was talking to my husband earlier about how cruel time can be and he mentioned that it speeds up, the older you become, and he is right. When you are a teenager, you just think life will last forever and suddenly you realise you are almost fifty and wonder how on earth this happened so quickly.

I know my parents feel this even more acutely as they are well into their eighties now. It is a depressing time for their children, knowing the inevidible but my mum has a good approach to the afterlife (though our thoughts on this differ) but I think my dad fears it. Perhaps the fear of death itself is just frightening but I deeply feel that when you move, it will be better.

Well , I must say that this entry sounds a little depressing but I didn't mean it that way. It's just how life naturally happens but it's always going to be painful.

Anyway, to move away from that depressing concept, times really have changed so much within the period of me being here. I was born in 1962 and thankfully was blissfuly unaware of the Cuban Crisis which I would have been terrified of. I hate war and aggression and I don't believe we will ever solve anything by fighting.However, as a young child, I remember the freedom of just being. We always played outside, all our games from our own imagination and I feel this is becoming a lost way as we are today. Sad really. I remember my friend and myself decorating the thrown out Christmas tree with anything we could find in winter to still make it look pretty. Then it would be taken away in the bin lorry and gone till next Christmas when you got another tree. Christmas was wonderful as a small girl. :-)

I also think back on all that is now deemed bad for us in every way, and am quite sure is, like chocolate, puddings, chips and all I remember tasting good. We have moved on and now realise they rot your teeth, make you put on weight but I will say that we exercised more when I was young and I just remember being happy which is the most beneficial aspect yout health can ever have. :-)
I rather think it is time to be quiet, which incidentally was the polite way to say shut up as a child. That saying was considered very rude. you have to laugh.

Analysis

My thoughts today go to my love of analysing just about everything. I believe there is an answer somewhere to everything, and also a reason for it and that we should never give up looking for it.

I find patterns in everything and rhythm so it is interesting to record such things on a daily basis, which of course, I do.I record a diary of daily events and feelings, but I also keep a dream diary which is fascinating. If you compare it to the other diary, it becomes very obvious often what prompts dreams. The most interesting ones however, are the occasional times where you actually dream of events before they occur. Quite odd that, and only happens now and again.

Not surprisingly, I have an absolute fascination for astrology which is surprisingly accurate once you start looking at it properly. You need to know the position of planets etc at time of your birth plus ascendant and the aspects between the planets gives much information. Also the houses they fall in is very important but I know little on this as I am a complete novice but I love what I have learned and it does work. All very mathimatical actually. There is very much more to it all than the tiny meanings they give you for sun signs in newspapers and magazines.However the archetypes of the twelve sun signs bear a lot of imformation in their own right. I am Gemini with Scorpio Ascendant which is an interesting mixture and tempers my natural personality.

I am interested in all natural cycles and their repetitive patterns and hope one day to learn a lot more.

Late Friday night or rather Saturday morning.

I don't always seem to find time to do this , and as I feel wide awake I will add a little more.

I have always been a bit of an insommniac though have much improved over the years. There was a period in my life where I got no sleep for six weeks, a fact nobody believes but true none the less. I survived it but my goodness, talk about feeling "ragged". I have subsequently never tried to force myself to sleep since. I will just suddenly feel tired and I will be able to.

On this subject, prescription medicines were useless, probably because I was so against them, so they just didn't do anything. I did find herbal medicine helpful eventually and essential oils but the biggest thing was breaking the pattern of worry that I would not be able to sleep.

On a more positive front, my knitting is coming on well and I am still on target to finish it on time. Think I might need one more 100 gram ball of wool though. Which colour to choose?

Tomorrow, and indeed the next four days are going to be busy so I am taking this moment for me.

Anyway, that's it for tonight. Think I am beginning to feel tired.

Bank holiday Monday.

Monday again and a most relaxing one it was. As it was a bank holiday, I reckoned I too deserved a day off and did only what I wanted to do, other than the basic everyday neccessary tasks. This of course involved a lot of knitting and I am nearing the end of my project. (That was my pleasure, not a task) .

After a fairly good spell of weather, today brought grey skies and rain but I'm fine with that and hoping my potatoes might come on a bit faster as they are barely showing any foliage yet. I did finally cut my grass and my lovely little granddaughter helped me weed.

I had a lovely day yesterday as my daughter Rachel, her boyfriend Jason and my granddaughter Sian came for lunch. I made pork in tomato based sauce, slow cooked with spaghetti, followed by bars of Galaxy chocolate; my favourite. All seemed to enjoy it (both meal and chocolate) and Sian and I went to the park for a while. Altogether it's been a lovely holiday weekend. :D.

A sunny day at Loch Lomond.

Well, it has been yet another glorious day here in Scotland. I am feeling very sorry for all those further South who have had so much bad weather recently. It's more commonly us that gets such weather. I took full advantage of the sunshine and went on a four mile walk along the banks of Loch Lomond which is always a lovely experience. The water was so "blue" today, might sound silly but the colour really stood out. Didn't spot that much wildlife but there were some ducks on the Loch. Very much enjoyed myself and it got me out of cutting the grass, which I really ought to have done. Anyway, I believe it is to get much colder so it makes sense to get out there when you can, not that I am adverse to walking in any weather, it's just more pleasant when it's warm.

I really am a great lover of colour, whether it be the countryside with all its greenery and beautiful wild flowers or be my latest knitting projects where I love to mix colours. I like many, particularly vibrant colours, red being my favourite though love deep blue, yellow and certain shades of green. I would love to be able to paint or take good photographs but I can always enjoy the efforts of others which I do.When I look at others' photographs, colour is often what does it for me. I follow many great photographers on twitter and love the work of @skm1963 @karenspix and @stargazer for their fantastic use of it.

This is just a short entry as I just wanted to say that.

Monday evening again.

Well here I am relaxing after a busy two days. Sunday night I always look after my gorgeous four year old granddaughter and also through the daytime on Monday's and Tuesday's. My daughter has nearly completed her first year at college studying a N.H.C. in Drama and Performance. She has done really well and is thoroughly enjoying it.She has been accepted to two other colleges to study for her H.N.D. next August but hopes to get back in to The City Of Glasgow College where she is currently studying.We are going to watch her play Mary,Queen of Scots soon in an adaptation of Liz Lochead's Mary Queen of Scots got her head chopped off. I am very looking forward to that.

I really don't know where the weeks go? One week just rushes into the next.Maybe I am just getting old. Well I will be fifty at the beginning of June. For that pleasure, I am going to Whitby for a three day trip with my husband and my dad may also come with us. He is eighty seven , fit as a fiddle and will most certainly keep us entertained. I also intend to meet Karen Appleyard who I met on twitter (@karenspix) who lives quite nearby. She's a great photographer and a lovely person to speak to. We now write to each other so it will be wonderful to meet her. I am just so looking forward to this trip as life has been hectic of late as my mum has been having work done in her house and she's not as fit as she was.Also with other commitments, it will be nice just to do nothing but relax,

I am on a big knitting project at the moment which I want to have completed by the end of May. It is a very colourful design which I am really enjoying doing. I got back into knitting after many years absence after my granddaughter was born and always have something on my needles. I made the seven "Raggy Dolls" for my granddaughter Sian and she loves them. They are not perfect but they are made with love and that is what is important.

My next project is to try to record some of the piano pieces I wrote years back but I am afraid my technical skills are not good and I will require some help from my husband once he has some time. He has just finished and sent of his first novel "Whisky From Small Glasses" which is an excellent crime novel set in the West coast of Scotland.It is receiving a great deal of interest and I an sure it will do well. In the meantime as regards my music recording, I will have to get down to some really series piano practise once I finish this knitting.

Life is busy but that is what makes it enjoyable.