Sunday 18 November 2012
Nothing Exciting. Let us see what enters my brain? Always amusing.
I haven't written a blog for ages as life has been extremely busy of late, due to the publication of my husband's brilliant new novel. I am pleased to say that it is selling well and so far anyone who has read it has given it nothing but praise and he has had only 5 star reviews, which are totally genuine and well deserved. I am not going to publicise it on here as this is my blog, and I do lots of that all the time, but I just wanted to mention he's a rather brilliant author.
For once, I like my title as it gives me scope to write whatever I want, and I rather like that freedom. Well here goes. :D
I have just come off the phone to my beautiful daughter and that always gives me this wonderfully warm feeling in my heart. It makes me realise just how lucky I am. So many people struggle through life, and quite frankly, we all do at times, but it is never anything that can not be surpassed. When the stress of a moment happens, it is often a catalyst for love and those around you who will just naturally help.
I write this, and yes, I feel guilt I cannot describe, but I look at the truth and facts of my life. My dad had a fall last week and I was unable to see him due to my personal circumstances, which makes me feel very bad, but I have had full blown "Flu" , of the real kind and have felt so terribly unwell. It would have been exceptionally stupid to visit him under such circumstances but it doesn't stop me feeling bad about the fact I was not there.He has had lots of support but normally I would not have hesitated to be there, though I don't always see him. He's dislocated his shoulder but I think he'll live. He's a very interesting , almost eighty-eight man with an attitude, and he does ok mostly.
I should be used to this constant stress as my mum has had a few falls too, but everything is as best it can ever be. It is so, so hard when your parents get this old, your own bodies are failing and you just have to cope. There are odd times that it causes copious tears for me, but you can always wipe them away.However, I very often cry, at the most private moments of my life and now accept that nobody lives forever, but utterly dread the day I have to cope with losing them.
On a more positive note, I think my mum has been preparing for ages, which is highly admirable but even more depressing. This is actually not a positive note. :-(.I do understand why people want to prepare for their death, and yes, it is probably a million times easier when it has to happen, but my goodness, it doesn't make me feel very good. :-( ). That looks odd, but isn't if you look closer.
I am actually very happy that I felt almost myself today and didn't nearly collapse from exhaustion on basic tasks. It was that turning point with Flu , where you just know you are getting better ; hard to explain, but I know, what I will be careful with, is not thinking I am totally alright now. This probably seems the most ridiculous and controversial thing to write down as I am awake late, which in normal circumstances, is normal, but we really seriously in this life, need individual time to ourselves.
I suffered from M.E. in my early thirties which lasted for almost two years in all. I won't repeat that. However, it wasn't staying awake that made it happen, it was trying to rush around in a ridiculous fashion and I went back to work too early. I think that has to be the most singularly awful experience of my life. I can't even begin to describe it. At the time, I still suffered from depression but it was such an entirely different thing. I was at work, and tried to walk up the garden, about I think , six weeks later, after flu. not sure entirely of the time scales but I just couldn't . I felt utterly exhausted in a way I had never felt in my whole life.
It was the oddest thing ever, and actually like the first stages of flu, without the raised temperature. I had very mixed support on my condition from nothing to everything, but was blessed at that time with good support from my GP.I suppose this makes me nervous, and I had the Flu jab for years, but for me it has not re-occurred.I haven't had flu jab since 2005 due to circumstances, and had flu twice. I'm hoping this means that I never, ever go through that cruel condition again, but I did.
However, we do truly learn from every experience, I hope anyway, And I totally pray that nobody ever has to suffer as I did. It was such a strange condition to go through. My senses were unbelievably heightened, especially my sense of smell. I could smell the dust in the room, and I might not be house proud, but even for me that was ridiculous. Noise of any acceptable level,drove me insane, well actually my senses of smell and hearing were the most heightened ones. This was the point of my life where I was truly suicidal but thank God for my family and friends and especially my mum for helping me.
I'm so glad to feel normal after that totally horrific experience and what went before. We can all get through anything but it is good and healthy to express.
For once, I like my title as it gives me scope to write whatever I want, and I rather like that freedom. Well here goes. :D
I have just come off the phone to my beautiful daughter and that always gives me this wonderfully warm feeling in my heart. It makes me realise just how lucky I am. So many people struggle through life, and quite frankly, we all do at times, but it is never anything that can not be surpassed. When the stress of a moment happens, it is often a catalyst for love and those around you who will just naturally help.
I write this, and yes, I feel guilt I cannot describe, but I look at the truth and facts of my life. My dad had a fall last week and I was unable to see him due to my personal circumstances, which makes me feel very bad, but I have had full blown "Flu" , of the real kind and have felt so terribly unwell. It would have been exceptionally stupid to visit him under such circumstances but it doesn't stop me feeling bad about the fact I was not there.He has had lots of support but normally I would not have hesitated to be there, though I don't always see him. He's dislocated his shoulder but I think he'll live. He's a very interesting , almost eighty-eight man with an attitude, and he does ok mostly.
I should be used to this constant stress as my mum has had a few falls too, but everything is as best it can ever be. It is so, so hard when your parents get this old, your own bodies are failing and you just have to cope. There are odd times that it causes copious tears for me, but you can always wipe them away.However, I very often cry, at the most private moments of my life and now accept that nobody lives forever, but utterly dread the day I have to cope with losing them.
On a more positive note, I think my mum has been preparing for ages, which is highly admirable but even more depressing. This is actually not a positive note. :-(.I do understand why people want to prepare for their death, and yes, it is probably a million times easier when it has to happen, but my goodness, it doesn't make me feel very good. :-( ). That looks odd, but isn't if you look closer.
I am actually very happy that I felt almost myself today and didn't nearly collapse from exhaustion on basic tasks. It was that turning point with Flu , where you just know you are getting better ; hard to explain, but I know, what I will be careful with, is not thinking I am totally alright now. This probably seems the most ridiculous and controversial thing to write down as I am awake late, which in normal circumstances, is normal, but we really seriously in this life, need individual time to ourselves.
I suffered from M.E. in my early thirties which lasted for almost two years in all. I won't repeat that. However, it wasn't staying awake that made it happen, it was trying to rush around in a ridiculous fashion and I went back to work too early. I think that has to be the most singularly awful experience of my life. I can't even begin to describe it. At the time, I still suffered from depression but it was such an entirely different thing. I was at work, and tried to walk up the garden, about I think , six weeks later, after flu. not sure entirely of the time scales but I just couldn't . I felt utterly exhausted in a way I had never felt in my whole life.
It was the oddest thing ever, and actually like the first stages of flu, without the raised temperature. I had very mixed support on my condition from nothing to everything, but was blessed at that time with good support from my GP.I suppose this makes me nervous, and I had the Flu jab for years, but for me it has not re-occurred.I haven't had flu jab since 2005 due to circumstances, and had flu twice. I'm hoping this means that I never, ever go through that cruel condition again, but I did.
However, we do truly learn from every experience, I hope anyway, And I totally pray that nobody ever has to suffer as I did. It was such a strange condition to go through. My senses were unbelievably heightened, especially my sense of smell. I could smell the dust in the room, and I might not be house proud, but even for me that was ridiculous. Noise of any acceptable level,drove me insane, well actually my senses of smell and hearing were the most heightened ones. This was the point of my life where I was truly suicidal but thank God for my family and friends and especially my mum for helping me.
I'm so glad to feel normal after that totally horrific experience and what went before. We can all get through anything but it is good and healthy to express.
Wednesday 7 November 2012
What to do when you cannot sleep.
Once upon a time, when I was younger than I am now, I used to conjure up dreams, and thoughts that would lull me off to sleep. I used to listen to the wind and the rain on the window, and I just loved that sound. As a small, (literally) girl, I could imagine anything and absolutely everything in my dreams and I just thought that was the reality of life, but as an adult, I realise this is not how life works.
As I hate this un-natural form of writing, I will stick with it for now, otherwise it may well become illegible.
Now, at fifty years old, I have a very firm grasp on reality, and realise all the positive and negative aspects attached to that reality. As a small child, you see the world through your limited experiences, and as you grow up. you are exposed to so many new ones.I would personally say, never, ever pass up the possibility of making your own life happy and good, and don't allow others to dictate to you or spoil who you are.
As always I appear ambiguous, but that is not my particular intention. Rather, I use ambiguity to make a point about many individuals. Most of them are good, but occasionally one is not, and it is sad that they have passed over, but nothing ever is forgotten. Nothing can be eradicated from your memory, merely moved.
As usual I am being serious, but that is just me, however, I never tell lies.
I look at my whole life and mostly I see all the good parts of it, which are many, and I am truly grateful for all those wonderful experiences with my family and friends. There is a terribly precious relationship with your family, and it's even more precious when it becomes your own little one. Nothing in the world will ever be more important to me than my daughter, husband, granddaughter and cats. (No order , merely wrote in that way.)
I am terribly proud of my husband at present, and always, as he is such a talented writer, and I was first exposed to his musical talents, ( A hunch, as at that point, I hadn't heard him, but so glad I did. ). Then I was introduced to his massive talent for mimicry, and told him he would be a brilliant Puppeteer, But I rather think he was unimpressed. I still have "Mappy and "Snowy", and never shall I part with them.
My husband is so, so talented, but I must agree that he utterly excels with writing.
I used to devour books as a child, and I listen to his stories to Sian, and she's captivated ; So am I. :-). When my own daughter was little, I used to make up stories for her, and she loved them. She in her own her own right has a complete talent for writing, which she will never lose, and she excels in acting.
What of my lovely Sian. She already, at four years old displays massive musical talent and everything of her mum's talent for acting. I guess these talents are inherited and just continue through generations
My brain wants to just write in my untidy fashion, but I am so in the mode of thinking of how to space etc, that my brain, I think, has just shut down. :-). I suspect I am being sarcastic.
Well , what of my own talents? I have a few, and I am a 'disaster' at what I do not know but am gradually learning. All my life, I wanted to play piano, in fact I would love to learn any instrument, and did learn violin, but everything is restrictive, and I did quite well with piano and not to bad with violin too, though I found that a harder instrument to play, in techniques etc. but it was very personal, and at heart I am a Pianist and I can play. My brothers are musicians, whom I have always thought were better than me, perhaps because of my nervousness and dislike of performing, but they think I am good.
In the end, it comes down to your own confidence, and if destroyed by anyone, which I am sure we have all experienced, it very much depends on your own personality of how you deal with it all and in the end, we will all cope in a different fashion.
People should always be true to their nature, no matter what. I will always, always believe this.
.
As I hate this un-natural form of writing, I will stick with it for now, otherwise it may well become illegible.
Now, at fifty years old, I have a very firm grasp on reality, and realise all the positive and negative aspects attached to that reality. As a small child, you see the world through your limited experiences, and as you grow up. you are exposed to so many new ones.I would personally say, never, ever pass up the possibility of making your own life happy and good, and don't allow others to dictate to you or spoil who you are.
As always I appear ambiguous, but that is not my particular intention. Rather, I use ambiguity to make a point about many individuals. Most of them are good, but occasionally one is not, and it is sad that they have passed over, but nothing ever is forgotten. Nothing can be eradicated from your memory, merely moved.
As usual I am being serious, but that is just me, however, I never tell lies.
I look at my whole life and mostly I see all the good parts of it, which are many, and I am truly grateful for all those wonderful experiences with my family and friends. There is a terribly precious relationship with your family, and it's even more precious when it becomes your own little one. Nothing in the world will ever be more important to me than my daughter, husband, granddaughter and cats. (No order , merely wrote in that way.)
I am terribly proud of my husband at present, and always, as he is such a talented writer, and I was first exposed to his musical talents, ( A hunch, as at that point, I hadn't heard him, but so glad I did. ). Then I was introduced to his massive talent for mimicry, and told him he would be a brilliant Puppeteer, But I rather think he was unimpressed. I still have "Mappy and "Snowy", and never shall I part with them.
My husband is so, so talented, but I must agree that he utterly excels with writing.
I used to devour books as a child, and I listen to his stories to Sian, and she's captivated ; So am I. :-). When my own daughter was little, I used to make up stories for her, and she loved them. She in her own her own right has a complete talent for writing, which she will never lose, and she excels in acting.
What of my lovely Sian. She already, at four years old displays massive musical talent and everything of her mum's talent for acting. I guess these talents are inherited and just continue through generations
My brain wants to just write in my untidy fashion, but I am so in the mode of thinking of how to space etc, that my brain, I think, has just shut down. :-). I suspect I am being sarcastic.
Well , what of my own talents? I have a few, and I am a 'disaster' at what I do not know but am gradually learning. All my life, I wanted to play piano, in fact I would love to learn any instrument, and did learn violin, but everything is restrictive, and I did quite well with piano and not to bad with violin too, though I found that a harder instrument to play, in techniques etc. but it was very personal, and at heart I am a Pianist and I can play. My brothers are musicians, whom I have always thought were better than me, perhaps because of my nervousness and dislike of performing, but they think I am good.
In the end, it comes down to your own confidence, and if destroyed by anyone, which I am sure we have all experienced, it very much depends on your own personality of how you deal with it all and in the end, we will all cope in a different fashion.
People should always be true to their nature, no matter what. I will always, always believe this.
.
Monday 5 November 2012
Human Beings and the strangeness of them.
I have just spent a wonderful evening and night with my beautiful daughter and granddaughter which was so relaxed and fun, and I wish that all other relationships could be this way, but sadly so many are not.
I am sure that many of us have 'strained' relationships with others not so close, but related to you in some form, which gives them a reason to feel they can dictate to you, and just because you were friendly and close at one time, it does not give them the right to 'boss you about' and be generally insulting to you and your own family.
I find this a terribly sad circumstance, that someone I do respect and like has been so rude and appalling and I don't even know why?
I am not referring to anyone recently in my life, as quite frankly, this person has been absent for a few years and it was this person's choice to behave in this way. What does bother me is the constant 'stirring up of trouble', and for what? It is one of these difficult circumstances as usual, where you do not wish to upset the individual concerned.
Right now, I would love to be very rude and swear about the 'Very annoying' person who has so upset me but that is childish and pointless and all it achieves is getting your anger out.
I always think deeply on all issues and I actually have an extremely forgiving heart but this has hurt.
I am sure that many of us have 'strained' relationships with others not so close, but related to you in some form, which gives them a reason to feel they can dictate to you, and just because you were friendly and close at one time, it does not give them the right to 'boss you about' and be generally insulting to you and your own family.
I find this a terribly sad circumstance, that someone I do respect and like has been so rude and appalling and I don't even know why?
I am not referring to anyone recently in my life, as quite frankly, this person has been absent for a few years and it was this person's choice to behave in this way. What does bother me is the constant 'stirring up of trouble', and for what? It is one of these difficult circumstances as usual, where you do not wish to upset the individual concerned.
Right now, I would love to be very rude and swear about the 'Very annoying' person who has so upset me but that is childish and pointless and all it achieves is getting your anger out.
I always think deeply on all issues and I actually have an extremely forgiving heart but this has hurt.
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