Happiness

My blogs recently seem to have been a little to serious so it's time to look at the other side of life.

To me, the whole happiness thing is about who you have around you and it's often just about simplicity. It's about being loved and returning that love. It really is that simple.

My personal happiness is all wrapped up in one sweet bundle called Denzil, Rachel, Sian, Weeboy and Suzy. :-). This is my own personal wee family and they give me great joy. This family will grow and already has with my introduction to my daughter's lovely boyfriend, some eight months ago. Jason is such a nice person and just feels like one of my family now. Of course, I have a far more extended family and love all of them too, but there is something terribly special about your own , closest ones. I don't think I have put this very well but I know what I mean. Incidentally, Wee boy and Suzy are my beautiful cats.

To add to this, where would I be without my friends? Old or new, they give me so much, whether it be reminiscing with my two best friends from primary one (forty five years ago, scary to think where time has gone) or walking with my friend of five years to Loch Lomond or visiting the lovely old lady who so warmly welcomed me when I moved here. Another new friend I met on twitter and was so pleased to meet her in real life. The lovely @KarensPix . I have lots of other lovely twitter friends too though haven't physically met them, but they brighten my day.

Happiness is seeing my two little nieces and granddaughter running around together, having a laugh about old times with my brothers, listening to classical music and remembering the past with my mum, laughing at my husband's banter with my dad.

It's easy to see all the negative sides of life at times, but it's equally easy to see the positive sides

As I said, when I decided to write my blog, I said it would be my thoughts and really just a diary of them which I have decided to share. My whole reasoning behind this is to try to help others but I'm not sure I have achieved what I wanted to do.

I was warned that I may be judged,disagreed with and many other things but I have always wanted to try to clear up many of the misconceptions of others, and this is my reason for continuing to write as I do.

This is also the reason that I write about myself, as it is a diary, and how else can I comment on anything unless I try to let you know something of myself.

It doesn't make me anything other than honest. I, no more than anyone else belong in any kind of box, may it be a pigeon hole or any other hole that no free creature should really be in.

Again, I am being honest, only because I intrinsically  feel it is wrong to trap anything or anybody but that is our way of being, unfortunately.

I am controversial, but not just for the sake of it, merely because I believe in everything .
I truly do.

I question myself massively, all the time and I am quite capable of writing this in a different form, but have personally chosen to use this one.

I still find writing massively restricted by this medium but I will persevere.

I knew before I started writing this that I would be immediately catagorised ( I am aware it is incorrectly spelt, but am not good at spell check) so I hope I get most of it right. Actually, I don't use it at all.

Diagnosis of anyone is a minefield and produces very much pain for an individual when completely wrongly done. On this I speak from experience and it is as my husband might say "too long and weary", an expression not from my area.

Regardless on how I am viewed for what I have decided to write, in my own way, I will continue my thoughts.

I am actually a very compassionate person who has only ever really wanted to ease suffering and pain and who is just a lot "worn out" and has a terribly sore back.

Also, if you look deep enough, I have a wicked sense of humour. :-)

Me

I think I am an all or nothing person at times. I feel bursts of creativity which, depending on what is happening in my life, can be followed with malaise but I am aware of the reason for this. I hugely dislike drudgery but like everyone else, it's part of my existence.

Perhaps I have allowed it to be too much so, not sure as I truly care for all, but it can hold you back as I am selfish enough to wish I actually was "selfish" at times. This must sound totally egotistical, and perhaps it is, but basically, I have always just wanted to understand the world and help people where I can. I also would like to have been a concert pianist but I think reality has made me realise that that was just a little over-ambitious  and that is where ego appears and reality wins. :-)

I am being rather flippant as I utterly believe in people going for what they feel inside is them and they are the people whom achieve.

I was talking to a very lovely, and talented lady on twitter (wonderful medium for meeting people like you) who loves words,poetry ,and art.(also photography). We talked about the wonderful Van Gogh who painted from his soul. I loved his creations and my heart goes out to what he must have suffered but my goodness, he portrayed it in his work. We all benefit from his suffering; he was brilliant. It's such a shame that someone has to suffer so deeply to give so much to others.

This is however, very much how I believe in life, the afterlife and our souls. We learn and try to pass on the lessons we have learned to others. We all get lots of it wrong, and I am an expert at that, but none of us should ever stop trying to make other's lives better, in all forms of life.

I probably sound quite mad, which may I say, I am not. In the past I suffered from depression and I don't now, due to the "removal" of my ovaries and hormone problems, but that is definitely a different story which perhaps I will be able to tell you one day. I'm fine now. :-)

Well, I'll finish now. I will either write lots of blogs in a short space of time or there may be a large gap.It will totally depend on what else is happening.

I have always been hopeless at finishing anything except on a piano, so.....Imperfect cadence. Lol.

Anger

Interestingly , since I have used the title "Anger", I should be feeling it more as it's taken ages to find what I wanted to do as I'm still a total novice with computers, but well have eventually found my way to this page, so here I will once more write my thoughts and they are on the title.

Anger is a perfectly normal emotion and I am beginning to realise that as normal as it is, and no matter how justified, when you feel it, it colours your judgement and stops your clear thinking.

Today I felt angry, stupidly I suppose as I personally saw another's comments and observations as unjust and unfair and not true, but now that I have calmed my thoughts I take time to think on why they made those observations. I still don't agree and still believe they were unfair but at least I can think more about why I have responded as I did, and also how it altered how I differently responded to others.

Life very often is about response and though it wasn't at all what I was talking about, it brings me back to twitter. I feel that, because I was angry about other circumstances, I wrote back to others on a quick response mechanism without taking time to consider what I was saying. I don't think I wrote anything bad, in fact I know I know I didn't but I don't feel I made myself clear in what I was trying to say.

I should have titled this "Response", not "Anger" ; However, it is all part of the same emotion.

Anger can make you achieve a lot by the adrenalin produced by such feeling but it also exhausts you and is unproductive in this way.

Because I felt this anger today, it affected my whole way of thinking and I could instantly feel myself retreating to my "shell" but I didn't. I went out and faced the world (or rather my own fears) and people were their usually lovely selves where I live, and it is only my own insecurities that produce my anger.

What a silly person I can be but maybe we are all a bit like this at times.

Noise

Amazingly, I have found the new post title immediately. This is a rare circumstance.

I decided I would write about noise as I find it at times very disturbing and most certainly did in the past but just read something  that is very true in that you must learn to just let it be there.

In the past, when I was extremely stressed and uptight, I couldn't stand the noise of traffic, dogs barking, lawn mowers, drills, anything basically alien to the beauty in my head of music, which I kept playing in my head to rid myself of this awful sound. However, my worst thing was "The Fridge". It just buzzed and buzzed and I honestly got to the stage where I could have heaved it into the garden just so that I never had to be that "jangled up" again. I really hated my fridge! I would like to say at this point that I have forgiven it, and though it is a different one, I have but it still annoys me to this day, merely doesn't sound as loud unless I think about it.

Noise is noise and not melodic or beautiful. We grow used to it being there all the time and accept it, in fact we become completely oblivious to it! I so wish I could, but I am getting better at accepting it. I suppose it all depends how I am feeling at the time.

Sometimes I cannot believe that I write all this, but I still don't think it's wrong. Merely something to consider and only my own personal experience.

As you grow older, your senses can become less acute, and in some ways I find this easier, but that is a completely different story. I think I feel much more comfortable and happier so perhaps this is why I can move "noise" aside now, but I will never really grow comfortable with it.

Melody is very different, whether it be a piano, voice, violin, guitar, saxophone and so the list goes on. I will add to this the sound of wind and rain on my window. It is melodic and beautiful.

Strangely, when you do feel relaxed, a buzzing sound can accentuate that feeling so in the end of my rambling thoughts, I will think of bees whom are wonderful.Maybe I will write about them one day. :-)

Confidence

I was speaking to a lady on twitter recently, whom is a lovely person, and she said she enjoyed my blog and admired my inner confidence. I was truly amazed that I had come across as confident as nothing could be further from the truth as I have lacked it all my life. I think perhaps, that this medium suits me as I can just say what I am thinking without interruption or having to compete with others to make my voice heard.

As a child, and being involved in musical pursuits, there were times I had to compete and I cannot describe how much I hated that. I remember playing violin in the Falkirk festival and being so nervous, my violin was bouncing up and down as I was shaking so much. I don't think competing is a very good way of judging a person's ability and it's completely up to personal taste at times. I just wasn't good at this, though I sat my grades on piano and one exam on violin and was fine on a one to one basis and did well in exams; I just hated performing to an audience and being judged.

Here is the difference between a personality like mine and those of my brothers. Both performed in bands on stage and revelled in it. It's not to say they weren't nervous, I suspect they just believed in themselves more than I did. It was always a dream of mine, I just couldn't handle the nerves.

However, confidence can be attained, you just have to work at it like everything else. It is also helped by people who care about you helping to build it. For this I thank my dear husband  @lochlomonden for teaching me what is important and what is not and to believe I can actually learn new skills. If not for him, I wouldn't be writing this now as I didn't think I would ever be able to work a computer.


Well just a short entry, but for all of you who doubt that you can achieve , go for it and believe in yourselves.

Music

All my life I have totally adored music, especially classical although I have very wide tastes.I like anything from Jazz to Rock music to Bluegrass but my first choice will always be classical.

I first started listening to classical music with my mother when I was three years old. (Well, possibly before that but I can't remember anything before the age of three.). I vividly remember loving The "Pastoral" symphony (No.6) by Beethovan at this age and apparently asked for it to be put on frequently. I progressed to loving many composers as I grew up, developing a particular passion for Chopin especially his second piano concerto which I always asked my mum to put on at bedtime so as I could get to sleep.  To this day I can remember every scratch on the record, so embedded it is on my memory.

When I was about six or seven years old, a friend of my mum's used to occasionally look after me and she had a piano. Her daughter was learning to play and was excellent so I was desperate to learn. I used to sit and pretend I could play it but had not much idea what to do, so when I turned nine years old, I got my wish and was sent for piano lessons which I loved from the word go. I consider myself very lucky as even then, lessons were expensive and it must have been difficult for my parents to afford them. At that time they cost five guineas per quarter.

Unfortunately my parents separated when I was eleven years old and I thought I was going to have to give my lessons up as my mother could no longer afford them but my wonderful teacher reckoned I had talent and taught me for free for three years before I moved on to lessons through my school where prices were subsidised. I will never, ever forget her for that gift.She is sadly now deceased but she was a fantastic teacher and terrific person.

In the meantime, I had began violin lessons at the age of eleven, through my school, which as I have mentioned, were subsidised. I found violin very difficult to begin with, especially the bowing technique, but once I got the hang of it, I loved playing. I played up to 5th grade on violin, though left school before I had chance to sit that grade, and I sat to grade 5 on piano though played up to 7th grade.

I am so grateful for being given the chance to learn both instruments and have in the past helped others to get started on piano. My daughter took lessons and was doing really well but didn't want to continue which was a pity but I don't believe in forcing children to learn.There are too many pushy parents around. My granddaughter is also showing signs of being musical so I will help her all I can if she shows an interest in piano.

I have only recently started practising seriously again on my keyboard, as sadly I can't afford a good piano at present, but am enjoying playing again. I am working on three fifth grade pieces at present; Miniature in D minor (No.2) by Gedike, First movement of Fantasia No. 10 in A minor (allegro) by Telemann and first movement from Sonatina in G no.1 (Allegro non tanto) by Dussek. I am also trying to get my scales back up to standard;my lovely teacher was "big" on scales.

Hopefully one day I may buy another violin though, as I haven't played in years, it will take a lot of work to be decent on that again

Twitter

Now here I can write about something I really enjoy but I rather think that not all will agree with me.

I have only been able to use a computer for just over a year and now I wonder why I was so against it before as it is a wonderful tool. I use email, you tube, and google is great but I have to say, I am well impressed with twitter. On this sight I have met lots of lovely people and have met my friend @KarensPix whom I would never have known otherwise and she is just great.

I fairly regularly meet up with two friends I have known since Primary 1 and we always have a great time and a laugh but I think, they think, I am quite mad for using twitter as they are not "in" to such things but I would say, "Don't mock what you haven't tried". They have the opinion that it is very risky talking to "strangers" and whilst I must admit there is certainly some truth in this, I think this also applies to anyone you meet or talk to in any walk of life. There are good and bad people everywhere. I should incidentally qualify that I have physically met my friend and acknowledge that I use the word "met" too often and haven't used it in best context. Lol.

I nearly gave up twitter altogether back in January as my twitter account was hacked and I found the whole experience very upsetting. I got really paranoid and it took me ages before I would write freely again as I was so mistrustful. However, my dear and patient husband, knowing how much I enjoyed it, persuaded me to give it another go and so I did. I must have been "driving him daft" as I asked him to wipe my computer in case it had some awful virus but I think it was just a "twitter" hack. This is one of the negative sides of twitter and probably other sites too, but I know nothing of them. I don't understand why anyone does this sort of thing, but I have always tried to see the good in people and can be naive at times. I am working on this.

I do not by any means speak to everyone I follow and should probably make more effort to reduce my list but I never quite get round to it. I do , however like speaking to my regular friends and sometimes you get talking to new people by just responding to a comment or someone responding to one of yours. I must say that I couldn't care less how many followers I have, that is something I don't really understand. what's the point if you don't converse?

Many people say twitter should not be used for self-promotion but I do not particularly agree unless that is the sole use of twitter. It is a good way to get recognition of your skills and I can't see that as being wrong.
People should share their talents with each other and to me it promotes warmth and kindness between each other.

For me, who is usually a little reticent in speaking my true mind, I'm getting a little bolder so I hope I do not upset anyone with my opinion. It felt liberating to write it. Other's do so maybe I can too.

Whitby

I haven't updated my blog for a little while so will write a bit about my recent trip to Whitby.

We drove down on Monday, (well my husband did as I have refused to drive for the last twelve years due to the amount of traffic and idiots on the roads.). This was a great opportunity to test our new car over a bit of distance and it ran beautifully on the motorway. It is a Nissan Qashqai and it's only faults are, it doesn't pull away well in first gear and doesn't like steep hills, otherwise it performed very well. We had a pretty easy run down but when we arrived in Whitby it was absolutely mobbed and it took a while to get through the town and over an hour and a half to find a parking place. We hadn't thought about the fact it would be the Jubilee when we booked.

After eventually getting parked, we checked out the accommodation  which was excellent and nice and central, dumped our bags there and went for a welcome couple of pints.We got fish and chips on way back and then just went back to flat and relaxed and I did some sewing.

The next day we went for a wander through the town and founds some lovely little shops including a great second hand book shop where I got yet another astrology book. This was followed by a lovely lunch where we got chatting to a lovely old couple. After returning to the flat for a while, we went out for dinner and a couple of drinks for my belated 50th birthday.

However, the highlight of my trip was meeting the lovely @karenspix and her husband. We first started chatting on twitter then began writing to each other so it was fantastic to finally meet her. We got on really well and I finally finished knitting and sewing her blanket just in the nick of time. We had lunch and chatted all afternoon.It was an absolutely lovely day.

I will certainly  be returning to Whitby again.