I haven't written a blog for ages as life has been extremely busy of late, due to the publication of my husband's brilliant new novel. I am pleased to say that it is selling well and so far anyone who has read it has given it nothing but praise and he has had only 5 star reviews, which are totally genuine and well deserved. I am not going to publicise it on here as this is my blog, and I do lots of that all the time, but I just wanted to mention he's a rather brilliant author.
For once, I like my title as it gives me scope to write whatever I want, and I rather like that freedom. Well here goes. :D
I have just come off the phone to my beautiful daughter and that always gives me this wonderfully warm feeling in my heart. It makes me realise just how lucky I am. So many people struggle through life, and quite frankly, we all do at times, but it is never anything that can not be surpassed. When the stress of a moment happens, it is often a catalyst for love and those around you who will just naturally help.
I write this, and yes, I feel guilt I cannot describe, but I look at the truth and facts of my life. My dad had a fall last week and I was unable to see him due to my personal circumstances, which makes me feel very bad, but I have had full blown "Flu" , of the real kind and have felt so terribly unwell. It would have been exceptionally stupid to visit him under such circumstances but it doesn't stop me feeling bad about the fact I was not there.He has had lots of support but normally I would not have hesitated to be there, though I don't always see him. He's dislocated his shoulder but I think he'll live. He's a very interesting , almost eighty-eight man with an attitude, and he does ok mostly.
I should be used to this constant stress as my mum has had a few falls too, but everything is as best it can ever be. It is so, so hard when your parents get this old, your own bodies are failing and you just have to cope. There are odd times that it causes copious tears for me, but you can always wipe them away.However, I very often cry, at the most private moments of my life and now accept that nobody lives forever, but utterly dread the day I have to cope with losing them.
On a more positive note, I think my mum has been preparing for ages, which is highly admirable but even more depressing. This is actually not a positive note. :-(.I do understand why people want to prepare for their death, and yes, it is probably a million times easier when it has to happen, but my goodness, it doesn't make me feel very good. :-( ). That looks odd, but isn't if you look closer.
I am actually very happy that I felt almost myself today and didn't nearly collapse from exhaustion on basic tasks. It was that turning point with Flu , where you just know you are getting better ; hard to explain, but I know, what I will be careful with, is not thinking I am totally alright now. This probably seems the most ridiculous and controversial thing to write down as I am awake late, which in normal circumstances, is normal, but we really seriously in this life, need individual time to ourselves.
I suffered from M.E. in my early thirties which lasted for almost two years in all. I won't repeat that. However, it wasn't staying awake that made it happen, it was trying to rush around in a ridiculous fashion and I went back to work too early. I think that has to be the most singularly awful experience of my life. I can't even begin to describe it. At the time, I still suffered from depression but it was such an entirely different thing. I was at work, and tried to walk up the garden, about I think , six weeks later, after flu. not sure entirely of the time scales but I just couldn't . I felt utterly exhausted in a way I had never felt in my whole life.
It was the oddest thing ever, and actually like the first stages of flu, without the raised temperature. I had very mixed support on my condition from nothing to everything, but was blessed at that time with good support from my GP.I suppose this makes me nervous, and I had the Flu jab for years, but for me it has not re-occurred.I haven't had flu jab since 2005 due to circumstances, and had flu twice. I'm hoping this means that I never, ever go through that cruel condition again, but I did.
However, we do truly learn from every experience, I hope anyway, And I totally pray that nobody ever has to suffer as I did. It was such a strange condition to go through. My senses were unbelievably heightened, especially my sense of smell. I could smell the dust in the room, and I might not be house proud, but even for me that was ridiculous. Noise of any acceptable level,drove me insane, well actually my senses of smell and hearing were the most heightened ones. This was the point of my life where I was truly suicidal but thank God for my family and friends and especially my mum for helping me.
I'm so glad to feel normal after that totally horrific experience and what went before. We can all get through anything but it is good and healthy to express.
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