Poetry.

Still a test blog.


Beautiful child.


I see your smile,
your eyes light up,
stimulated by conversation.


I so love you,
would give you my all;
I do.


I give all I love the same,
there is no difference,
apart from yourselves.


We change each day,
grow,
to a different level.


the past remains,
the future is there,
all painted by our own brush.

Forgotten how to do this.

This is a test blog as I have completely forgotten what to do. I just want to see if it appears with my previous ones and I'm on my own here, so may well be a disaster.

Indecision

It is such a long time since I have written a blog, I have my doubts if I can remember how to do it? :-). I am sure I will manage with the help of Mendellsohn's third symphony ( Scotch ) to listen to. What an absolutely marvellous piece of music. Long ago, I learned to play the 3rd movement by "ear" on violin and it released a lot of emotions for me at a very difficult point of my life.

Well, as usual, I prattle on and don't get to the point which is my title and for once I will try to do so. Indecision can hold us back so much, even when we know in our heart what we should do, but life is to some extent a "gamble"and one that needs to be taken as far as I am concerned. I very often wish that I had listened to my own advice more and I may have achieved what I really wanted to do, but life kind of gets in the way sometimes. However, if you don't make the necessary changes, you stay stuck in that place you don't want to be in.

On saying that, I am now in very much the place I do want to be in as I am older and don't any longer want the same things I did when I was young and I feel very comfortable in a way I didn't then. I love my personal family so deeply, and also my more extended one, but I still regret not doing something with my musical passion as it is indeed that ; I am so passionate about music. I will do something with it one day but for now, it isn't the right time.

Indecision can paralyse all natural thoughts or exacerbate them. The answer is finding the fine line between such extremes and compromise in any situation normally works best and benefits all. Humans are so silly at times that they cannot settle their differences in a sensible way as they always want to war, and where has that ever got us?

If you cannot decide on a course of action, no matter what it may be, you remain in limbo ,screwing up your own brain and making yourself and others unhappy. I'd rather gamble (something I have never, ever done in a monetary sense) and free myself. If  life is difficult, it may get worse but there is a strong chance it just might get better so do it. And compromise is one of my favourite words as is freedom.

Still here but advertising. :D

I have not written a blog for a long time as been very busy with other parts of my life. I am putting a great deal of energy into advertising my husband's new novel and it truly deserves my effort and time as it is so well written and quite frankly, an absolutely brilliant piece of writing. I would absolutely love to have his talent but no, I will not advertise his novel here as this is my space.

I am at the moment just sitting contemplating all of my life and as usual not really succeeding to any extent on knowing what it is all really about but I am as always trying to find the reason behind everything, perhaps that is not the answer? However, it is part of who I am and I doubt I will change and as I am listening to Grieg's piano concerto, I feel quite relaxed, though I accidentally only put first movement on so shall play something else. getting better at the tab thing so may actually be able to make my way back to this blog.

Well here I am. I have managed to post "Scheherazade" by Rimsky-Korsakov which I adore. It is a "Symphonic Suite" and terribly beautiful.

Both my cats are close by and that always makes me feel happy and good.

I really enjoyed Christmas as my lovely daughter, her boyfriend, who is very lovely too, and my gorgeous little granddaughter came over for dinner. Beautiful day. :-).

Really need to go to optician as I am not seeing as well as I ought to. I am going to try a different one this time as not terribly satisfied with my previous one. Now have Braham's 3rd symphony, 3rd movement on. Can't find a whole piece as can't see properly and can't be bothered wasting time. This is lovely. :-)
New Year was spent with my lovely granddaughter who fell asleep before the bells but woke up at 2.a.m. and kept me entertained with her stories until 6.a.m. :-).

Have moved on musically to "Steely Dan". Really good band. Well actually this is last bit of music as tired but enjoyed listening to it all.

Anyway, that is the latest in my life. :-)

Disappointment and expectations.

When you are born as a little baby, you utterly rely on the love of your mother, or in many cases, who chooses to love and care for you and in the end that is what truly matters, just being loved and taught by those who do so. No matter who this is, it brings, naturally, expectations as you grow up as to how life will be and as a child you can only see through your own eyes and limited experiences.

As an adult , you can reflect on why you feel as you do and where your expectations came from. I am not a natural writer and I can't do this format stuff and quite frankly I just want to get my words out. Listening to Beethoven's 9th Symphony is helping. I even managed to get the whole symphony posted. Now, believe it or not, there actually is a point in what I am saying, and if I can forget all this worry about writing it in an accepted way, I will be fine and reach my point.

So the format chosen is this, and it feels wrong, but it's this medium. (HELP). :D.

Back to what I actually meant to say. Love is everything but we still have to live in a world where we constantly live with people who grow up without ever having experienced it so react accordingly to what they have been taught and it is not always a positive experience for many. If your first experience of life is to be yelled at and hit, which please may I say was not my experience, but it is for many children, so life shall quite possibly keep acting in the same way as it progresses. Funnily enough, I have argued very much against this concept in many ways, as nothing is absolute, but there is a running thread that repeats itself and I cannot deny this happens, and that is not positive. However, I am a great believer in the fact, and to me it is, that we are all individuals, and though we belong to families and are part of others, we will always remain as our own individual soul. Negative experiences happen in many other ways too, but there is absolutely nothing that cannot be surpassed with a lot of determination and yes love, it's so important.

In ourselves we have our utter individuality as souls that cannot be determined by anyone other than ourself, and nobody else can ever change that. As usual, I never get to the point of my title but writing does indeed change as you do so. :-) . It is always good to have a starting point,

Perhaps I may finish by saying that if we did not have so many expectations, then it would not lead to disappointment.

Good people in life.

I have not written a blog for ages and I often feel awkward mentioning people by name so will not do as such, however I hope that the person I am talking about will know that I am thinking of her in spirit now, and that she was a pleasure to talk to, although I did not have the privilege of  meeting her.

What can I say, lovely lady, a lady indeed, strong and inspirational. A grade eight pianist, flautist, and brilliant baker ; animal lover and everything good about an individual. You don't always have to meet someone in person to realise what is truly beautiful in their soul. Sometimes words are enough.

Rest in peace dear lady and you were so determined and fought so hard. My thoughts are with you.

                Fiona xxx

The Past

It is ages since I wrote a blog and at some point I do want to continue with my cat theme , but for now just a quick update.

I recently joined Facebook and I for one actually really enjoy it. I have talked to people I haven't spoken to in years and that has brought back so many good memories. I do realise that being new to this medium that I may not understand it all, but so far, it seems quite nice. I have noticed that many people criticise it but, lets face it, many people criticise everything! Also, though it seems to be very different than "Twitter", it is better for just talking to people, as the summarising qualities of twitter give no freedom of expression.  However, I have always liked twitter and met some very lovely people ( in person) through this medium and it has so helped in the sales of my husband's novel, which incidentally is doing very well, and I'm as proud as I could ever be about that, as he is one very talented author. So please know that as I praise him, it is not just about advertising, he really can write and he is brilliant at it.

My title is "The Past" and if you ever want to read any of my other blogs, you will realise how my titles never quite match what I write, but perhaps I am getting a little bit better at this. :-). I hope so anyway.

Regardless, I will just call it an update and for anyone interested enough to read what I write about (beware it can be deep) , you can find me if you want to.  :-)

Nothing Exciting. Let us see what enters my brain? Always amusing.

I haven't written a blog for ages as life has been extremely busy of late, due to the publication of my husband's brilliant new novel. I am pleased to say that it is selling well and so far anyone who has read it has given it nothing but praise and he has had only 5 star reviews, which are totally genuine and well deserved. I am not going to publicise it on here as this is my blog, and I do lots of that all the time, but I just wanted to mention he's a rather brilliant author.

For once, I like my title as it gives me scope to write whatever I want, and I rather like that freedom. Well here goes. :D

 I have just come off the phone to my beautiful daughter and that always gives me this wonderfully warm feeling in my heart. It makes me realise just how lucky I am. So many people struggle through life, and quite frankly, we all do at times, but it is never anything that can not be surpassed. When the stress of a moment happens, it is often a catalyst for love and those around you who will just naturally help.

I write this, and yes,  I feel guilt I cannot describe, but I look at the truth and facts of my life. My dad had a fall last week and I was unable to see him due to my personal circumstances, which makes me feel very bad,  but I have had full blown "Flu" , of the real kind and have felt so terribly unwell. It would have been exceptionally stupid to visit him under such circumstances but it doesn't stop me feeling bad about the fact I was not there.He has had lots of support but normally I would not have hesitated to be there, though I don't always see him. He's dislocated his shoulder but I think he'll live. He's a very interesting , almost eighty-eight man with an attitude, and he does ok mostly.

I should be used to this constant stress as my mum has had a few falls too, but everything is as best it can ever be. It is so, so hard when your parents get this old, your own bodies are failing and you just have to cope. There are odd times that it causes copious tears for me, but you can always wipe them away.However, I very often cry, at the most private moments of my life and now accept that nobody lives forever, but utterly dread the day I have to cope with losing them.

On a more positive note, I think my mum has been preparing for ages, which is highly admirable but even more depressing. This is actually not a positive note. :-(.I do understand why people want to prepare for their death, and yes, it is probably a million times easier when it has to happen, but my goodness, it doesn't make me feel very good. :-( ). That looks odd, but isn't if you look closer.

I am actually very happy that I felt almost myself today and didn't nearly collapse from exhaustion on basic tasks. It was that turning point with Flu , where you just know you are getting better ; hard to explain, but I know, what I will be careful with, is not thinking I am totally alright now.  This probably seems the most ridiculous and controversial thing to write down as I am awake late, which in normal circumstances, is normal, but we really seriously in this life, need individual time to ourselves.

I suffered from M.E. in my early thirties which lasted for almost two years in all. I won't repeat that. However, it wasn't staying awake that made it happen, it was trying to rush around in a ridiculous fashion and I went back to work too early. I think that has to be the most singularly awful experience of my life.  I can't even begin to describe it. At the time, I still suffered from depression but it was such an entirely different thing. I was at work, and tried to walk up the garden, about I think , six weeks later, after flu. not sure entirely of the time scales but I just couldn't . I felt utterly exhausted in a way I had never felt in my whole life.
It was the oddest thing ever, and actually like the first stages of flu, without the raised temperature. I had very mixed support on my condition from nothing to everything, but was blessed at that time with good support from my GP.I suppose this makes me nervous, and I had the Flu jab for years, but for me it has not re-occurred.I haven't had flu jab since 2005 due to circumstances,  and had flu twice. I'm hoping this means that I never, ever go through that cruel condition again, but I did.

However, we do truly learn from every experience, I hope anyway, And I totally pray that nobody ever has to suffer as I did. It was such a strange condition to go through. My senses were unbelievably heightened, especially my sense of smell. I could smell the dust in the room, and I might not be house proud, but even for me that was ridiculous. Noise of any acceptable level,drove me insane, well actually my senses of smell and hearing were the most heightened ones. This was the point of my life where I was truly suicidal but thank God for my family and friends and especially my mum for helping me.

I'm so glad to feel normal after that totally horrific experience and what went before. We can all get through anything but it is good and healthy to express.

What to do when you cannot sleep.

Once upon a time, when I was younger than I am now, I used to conjure up dreams, and thoughts that would lull me off to sleep. I used to listen to the wind and the rain on the window, and I just loved that sound. As a small, (literally) girl, I could imagine anything and absolutely everything in my dreams and I just thought that was the reality of life, but as an adult, I realise this is not how life works.

As I hate this un-natural form of writing, I will stick with it for now, otherwise it may well become illegible.

Now, at fifty years old, I have a very firm grasp on reality, and realise all the positive and negative aspects attached to that reality. As a small child, you see the world through your limited experiences, and as you grow up. you are exposed to so many new ones.I would personally say, never, ever pass up the possibility of making your own life happy and good, and don't allow others to dictate to you or spoil who you are.

As always I appear ambiguous, but that is not my particular intention. Rather, I use ambiguity to make a point about many individuals. Most of them are good, but occasionally one is not, and it is sad that they have passed over, but nothing ever is forgotten. Nothing can be eradicated from your memory, merely moved.

As usual I am being serious, but that is just me, however, I never tell lies.

I look at my whole life and mostly I see all the good parts of it, which are many, and I am truly grateful for all those wonderful experiences with my family and friends. There is a terribly precious relationship with your family, and it's even more precious when it becomes your own little one. Nothing in the world will ever be more important to me than my daughter, husband, granddaughter and cats. (No order , merely wrote in that way.)

I am terribly proud of my husband at present, and always, as he is such a talented writer, and I was first exposed to his musical talents, ( A hunch, as at that point, I hadn't heard him, but so glad I did. ). Then I was introduced to his massive talent for mimicry, and told him he would be a brilliant Puppeteer, But I rather think he was unimpressed. I still have "Mappy and "Snowy", and never shall I part with them.
My husband is so, so talented, but I must agree that he utterly excels with writing.

I used to devour books as a child, and I listen to his stories to Sian, and she's captivated ; So am I.  :-). When my own daughter was little, I used to make up stories for her, and she loved them. She in her own her own right has a complete talent for writing, which she will never lose, and she excels in acting.

What of my lovely Sian. She already, at four years old displays massive musical talent and everything of her mum's talent for acting. I guess these talents are inherited and just continue through generations

My brain wants to just write in my untidy fashion, but I am so in the mode of thinking of how to space etc, that my brain, I think, has just shut down. :-). I suspect I am being sarcastic.

Well , what of my own talents? I have a few, and I am a 'disaster' at what I do not know but am gradually learning. All my life, I wanted to play piano, in fact I would love to learn any instrument,  and did learn violin, but everything is restrictive, and I did quite well with piano and not to bad with violin too, though I found that a harder instrument to play, in techniques etc. but it was very personal, and at heart I am a Pianist and I can play. My brothers are musicians, whom I have always thought were better than me, perhaps because of my nervousness and dislike of performing, but they think I am good.

In the end, it comes down to your own confidence, and if destroyed by anyone, which I am sure we have all experienced, it very much depends on your own personality of how you deal with it all and in the end, we will all cope in a different fashion.

People should always be true to their nature, no matter what. I will always, always believe this.
     

.

Human Beings and the strangeness of them.

I have just spent a wonderful evening and night with my beautiful daughter and granddaughter which was so relaxed and fun, and I wish that all other relationships could be this way, but sadly so many are not.

I am sure that many of us have 'strained' relationships with others not so close, but related to you in some form, which gives them a reason to feel they can dictate to you, and just because you were friendly and close at one time, it does not give them the right to 'boss you about' and be generally insulting to you and your own family.

I find this a terribly sad circumstance, that someone I do respect and like has been so rude and appalling and I don't even know why?

I am not referring to anyone recently in my life, as quite frankly, this person has been absent for a few years and it was this person's choice to behave in this way. What does bother me is the constant 'stirring up of trouble', and for what? It is one of these difficult circumstances as usual, where you do not wish to upset the individual concerned.

Right now, I would love to be very rude and swear about the 'Very annoying' person who has so upset me but that is childish and pointless and all it achieves is getting your anger out.

I always think deeply on all issues and I actually have an extremely forgiving heart but this has hurt.

People and this world.

As usual, a completely spontaneous title for what ever is 'running' through my head at present. I must be honest in the fact that my thoughts are now faster than my body can handle; I am sure that I am not alone in this circumstance.

I am beginning to learn something on formatting, and have to say it is quite interesting and I will put my 'All' into this strange new medium, which quite frankly will never, ever match the human hand or eye.

So as I write within constriction, which strangely enough was my fleeting moment of a title, I feel as constricted as you could possibly be.

You have to have a 'mind-set' to remotely write in this way and I have so discovered that it is utterly alien in every way possible to 'real' writing ; if someone has that gift, then please allow them to use it properly.

I very hope this Christmas that my gifts are lots of pens and paper. Now that would truly make me smile. :-))

Christmas

How fast Christmas is approaching which takes me back to my early childhood memories and expectations. Oh to be a child again , to feel that total excitement ; I shall never forget.

I could never sleep on Christmas Eve, well some things have never changed  except it doesn't have to be Christmas Eve any more.

I loved my Christmas stocking ; always there was a book or two in it,  a tangerine and apple at the bottom of it and a coin. I used to eat the tangerine and lose the apple. Lol. There was always something I loved, usually crayons, or felt tip pens and things I could be creative with, including " Fuzzy felts", which I loved as I could use my own imagination. Also, I loved "plasticine" and used to create the dolls you would have with a proper "dolls house" and all the furniture. That was fun.:-).

We always got a "big" present too, usually only one though, and I remember being confused one year when I got two. I can't remember what age I was, but definitely less than eleven years old. I was given a large doll and a space hopper. I remember wondering why, but it was later explained that my brother was given a bike. I have since realised as I matured, that my mother is a great believer in equality, so we all had to get roughly the same, even though it wasn't. I can't even remember what my little brother got. My mum was not the one in control of the money.  The funny thing is, I couldn't have cared less, and I certainly wouldn't have had any idea about what a new bike cost, or a space hopper ; I preferred my stocking anyway as I had so much more fun with that. :D.

I did go through a little bit of jealousy at one point, when I was a little older, and I still can't remember the time scales, but it was probably still in Primary school, where I only wanted this game called "Spyrograph" as I knew my friend had asked for it. My mum probably went to great pains to get it and I have no idea what it cost, but I remember the utter jealousy I felt when my friend got "Super Spyrograph. What a 'pratt' I was.

What I have done, is continue the tradition of the Christmas stocking which I found so much fun as a child. I always make one for Denzil and Rachel, and obviously since Sian arrived, for her; this year I will make Rachel's boyfriend one too, as he is totally part of the family. :-). It is all just silly things, but that is the fun.

Christmas is so much more exciting with a child; that is why it is so lovely to have a four year old granddaughter. I used to buy for my cats too, but basically, they are much happier with the "left-overs". :-)

To me , Christmas is about remembering people and giving small gifts to show you care, even if you cannot always be there. It shouldn't be all about stress and being "out of pocket" but sadly, that is the way it has become.

The concept of Time

Time: What does that actually mean? ; living on a medium of a "clock" containing twenty-four hours, sixty minutes to the hour, sixty seconds to the minute cannot possibly work for any natural rhythms and natural processes of life.

Every soul that inhabits this world will have a different " Body clock"  anyway, so why do we try to fit everybody into the same category?  ( If I actually knew how to move this bit of writing and attach it to the last bit, I would, but sadly I don't, so I won't.)

I will continue in this format as I have little choice at the moment , however wish I could just write with a beautiful pen, and good paper, but then I would not be able to communicate to anyone other than myself, so I feel it is worth persevering in this very "slow" way.

I have a massive fascination with Astrology, and though absolutely no knowledge of the subject, Astronomy too and very doubt from my extremely limited knowledge that our concept of time works anywhere else in the Universe.

For "long and weary", people ( mostly mothers I suspect, though times are changing) have tried to force their children to sleep at an "accepted" time but that does not always work. Routines are important but not all children can possibly act accordingly to what is required by their parents. I remain as I have always been, with my own natural time clock and all individuals will have their own internal one ; children are no different.

I am perfectly aware that to work together in a successful way in any society, requires a degree of "sameness" but I just don't think we are the same so this view will never fail to produce difficulties.

Once upon a time, I can't remember the details, I remember reading about an experiment where the individuals spent time in a room with no outside stimulus and the concept of our twenty-four hour clock lost all impetus. I wouldn't have wanted to be the person who experienced that, but "fair play" to them for their participation in this very interesting subject.

Anyway, as usual, I "prattle" on but I believe in the "natural" body clock. 

Nobody can live as another soul ; be yourself. :-)

My fourth cat Tikka.

Recently, my blogs have been mainly about mental health issues and my absolute desire to help anyone I can, but for now I wish to continue on my cat theme.

I started off at nine years of age with my beautiful brown Tabby, "Tiger", then had my two lovely black cats, and I am back to another brown Tabby.

"Tikka" got her name from a curry, as at that time I spent quite a lot of time dining in Indian restaurants and I basically just thought it was a nice name. :-). She later got renamed " The Wuzzle", but I can't for the life of me remember why. It wasn't me who renamed her.

Now, here was a cat with a "spitfire" character. She had a huge personality. Somewhere I have a photograph of her as a tiny kitten, walking on her hind legs with paws outstretched chasing a bit of string. What a cat! She was very playful, and in that 'female' cat way, but had all the personality of most of my female cats, just probably a little more exaggerated, of swinging a paw at anyone who displeased her. ( my male cats have tended to be a little more laid back.) :-). "Tikka" was a 'One and only' as all my cats were but I have a special fondness for Tabby cats, possibly as that was my first experience of that lovely bond.

I quickly learned to never leave my feet hanging out the bed as I have a tendency to do, as she thought it was a great 'game' to leap on them and bite them; probably why I always tuck my feet under the covers now. :-). She never quite had the soppy quality of some of my cats, but she was very loving.

" Tikka" arrived after I lost "Porta" and I just seem to be unable to be without cats. I just so love them and feel incomplete if they are not in my life. I chose her from a litter from a couple I knew at the time, and she didn't look like her mother ; there was something different about her, not really sure what it was, but I fell in love with her immediately. We still had "Cara", my brother's dog, and they adapted well to each other. It is untrue this myth that cats and dogs do not get on.

At the time of her arrival, we were staying at my mothers house but moved about two years after. We were still in the same village and it didn't seem to upset her too much, changing houses. In fact she still probably roamed the same area as we were literally only a street away from my childhood home.

She loved boxes, and to be honest, I had never had a cat that didn't love them but she liked to snuggle in them which is more of a trait that I have noticed in my female cats.

My lovely little "Wuzzle" even though I cannot remember why she got that name. I miss her, as I miss all of my cats.

Bad hearing and new introductions.

Sometimes I seriously think I am going mad, and actually, I hope I am not, and am sure I am not.

I do seem to muddle things up though, but am not sure how I actually managed to do this??

I have spent ages and ages trying to find a song I loved , Played at our wedding, and I adore it. Maybe I just have really bad hearing or something , in fact I don't know what is wrong with me to mix up "Bryan Adams" and "Ryan Adams" as I distinctly remember thinking that I really liked this artist and noting the difference. Maybe I am seriously going mad, (Joke),
Yes, I did like Bryan Adams, a lot actually, but I seem to be missing something.

Well anyway, perhaps my idiocy was so that I would be properly introduced to Ryan Adams music ; so often it works like that. :D.

Another post about twitter.

Here I go again. I appear to write completely random thoughts, although they never are, and all "one" must do is fathom what I am trying to say.

I wrote a post ages ago about twitter and the various aspects of it, and as I haven't looked back on it, I can't remember exactly what I said, but I think it was mainly positive.

My new post on this is also written on a positive note as I feel this site has offered such a potential for people to talk, connect and help each other, and that can only be a good thing. I met a lady who I now regard as one of my best friends , on here (twitter) and I have physically met her ; she is a lovely soul and but for this medium, I would not have known she existed. It is also true to say that I have connected with many beautiful people whom I have not physically met, but have talked to long enough to understand what they are all about ; so for that reason, I feel justified in speaking as I do.

Also, as I probably mentioned before, I have had a bad experience with "Twitter", where my account was interfered with in some way, and I nearly gave it all up but for my dear husband who convinced me to try again after severe paranoia , and I am glad I listened to him as by far, the positive aspects outweigh the negative ones.

I have befriended a teddy bear on twitter who is the most helpful and kind bear you could ever meet and has done so much to help others. "Twitter" has enabled him to do that and allowed others to respond and know they are not alone.

I will defend "Twitter" as a site and would be sad to lose it should it ever become obsolete. Many people have gained very much from it and as for the negative parts, nothing is perfect.

Nerves

Being nervous is a very unpleasant feeling and I suspect most of us have felt this at some point of our lives. It  can make you feel sick, not sleep and become very anxious.

This is an entirely natural way to be, and it is only when you can conquer your own fears and just 'do' what you really feel in your heart that anything begins to change.

I do not write in accepted language at times, but I do try to use English as a way to express what I want to say, and hopefully I do it well enough.

As a young girl, I used to feel absolutely awful in front of any sort of audience and in some ways, it has ruined some of my very childish dreams. It can take so little really to completely destroy your confidence.

However, this is not about me, though that experience, and a couple of others, has actually given me the confidence to encourage others.

I am a great believer in 'change', no matter how difficult it is, if you know in your heart it will make you happier. It is never easy, and now my title does come in to it's own as I can't imagine anything which would make you more nervous, however, I would still rather cope with any consequences of  'change' than ever again be under the control of anyone who ever forced me to perform.

I found the confidence as an adult to make my own decisions, at times against adversity, but my heart knew what was right. not all of it was easy, but never once have I doubted  the path I now walk.

Always in my 'self'', those old doubts will linger, and it has destroyed my musical confidence, but I am still "me" and it may come back.

Well yet again, I am inaccurate, as this has been actually totally about me. It is always interesting trying to use the medium of a computer with a cat's tail hanging over the screen. :-)

It is actually really hard to write about  confidence , or lack of it in others, as I am quite comfortable with the fact that I can speak openly about my feelings, but I have totally realised that many people cannot.

I find this an extremely odd way to write, to space things in a certain way, it blocks natural expression. However, if I was to truly write down what I really want to say, nobody would be able to read it as my hand writing is not very legible.

Well, back to 'nerves', or nervousness in any given situation. It really all depends on what you want, and what makes you happy. All people, ever in the public eye will feel this, it merely depends on whether you want this or not; I rather think I do not, but for those "Naturals", I would suggest, just do it. :-)

I will stay in the background and one day I might play a piano behind a curtain, like "the Wizard of
Oz." I could paint the scenery too. :D

Confusion

Here I am again, completely outside my comfort zone and blogging again. I may well be quite mad, but at least I am comfortable with it, which is more than I feel using this medium.

My heater is at full blast on my sore back and that is rather bliss. :-)

I spend  my life trying to understand other people and what motivates them and makes them who they are. I haven't remotely worked it out yet, but it forever interests me.

I am terribly interested in the psychology of others, but sometimes when you look at it , it is quite scary. However, I will continue with my interest in how people "Are", and I will never feel threatened by others, as they feel they have the power to do it, and the internet is a perfect medium for them to perform.

Actually, what I do feel is just sad souls who have been hurt and fight back in anger ; this bothers me a lot, and my heart wants to help all, but sometimes they have to help themselves.

I am being ambiguous ( I spelt that correctly all on my own), and anything I do write comes completely from me, and the computer has no influence on anything I write.

I called this post "Confusion" but as usual, it was not a great title, but you have to think up something initially, and it generally works for my life. :-)

I should have called it "Psychology" , but  rather I would have invited those too difficult to handle, so will stick with  "Confusion".

Somebody very lovely, was quite right in saying that others do not have the right to bully you, and I suspect this soul is stronger than me and I truly admire this person.

To live a life of fear through someone else, no matter who, is very wrong on all levels of everything.

It is especially wrong when threatened by a complete stranger, and I will always be me and not fear such threats.

Well as usual, I am saying exactly what I feel as this is the real me, and Mr Bully, of the internet, may you please melt into something kind and good.

I feel ok to write what I want and if it offends, don't read it.

Friends

There is little more precious in this life than a good friend and they come in many forms.My childhood ones are still with me forty five years on, and we still meet up and act like the children we once were.

However, friendship extends to a much further level and I have met some "Beauties" on twitter. The internet allows you to connect with people you would not normally realise existed, and although you don't know them in person, you are actually talking to that being, and I personally think this is wonderful.If it was not for this medium, I would not have met my lovely friend @KarensPix.; she is a true friend.

I hope one day, to meet some more of the people I chat too, and am sure I will ;  it isn't all an illusion. :-).

Recently I have talked to a very lovely person, whom I feel I know anyway and I must say, that although I have not met the person in question, this is a very precious friendship, and that is exactly what it is. What a delightfully lovely being, who has become my friend. :-))

Perhaps this will not make sense, but you can even befriend a teddy bear. :-) :D