Indecision

It is such a long time since I have written a blog, I have my doubts if I can remember how to do it? :-). I am sure I will manage with the help of Mendellsohn's third symphony ( Scotch ) to listen to. What an absolutely marvellous piece of music. Long ago, I learned to play the 3rd movement by "ear" on violin and it released a lot of emotions for me at a very difficult point of my life.

Well, as usual, I prattle on and don't get to the point which is my title and for once I will try to do so. Indecision can hold us back so much, even when we know in our heart what we should do, but life is to some extent a "gamble"and one that needs to be taken as far as I am concerned. I very often wish that I had listened to my own advice more and I may have achieved what I really wanted to do, but life kind of gets in the way sometimes. However, if you don't make the necessary changes, you stay stuck in that place you don't want to be in.

On saying that, I am now in very much the place I do want to be in as I am older and don't any longer want the same things I did when I was young and I feel very comfortable in a way I didn't then. I love my personal family so deeply, and also my more extended one, but I still regret not doing something with my musical passion as it is indeed that ; I am so passionate about music. I will do something with it one day but for now, it isn't the right time.

Indecision can paralyse all natural thoughts or exacerbate them. The answer is finding the fine line between such extremes and compromise in any situation normally works best and benefits all. Humans are so silly at times that they cannot settle their differences in a sensible way as they always want to war, and where has that ever got us?

If you cannot decide on a course of action, no matter what it may be, you remain in limbo ,screwing up your own brain and making yourself and others unhappy. I'd rather gamble (something I have never, ever done in a monetary sense) and free myself. If  life is difficult, it may get worse but there is a strong chance it just might get better so do it. And compromise is one of my favourite words as is freedom.

Still here but advertising. :D

I have not written a blog for a long time as been very busy with other parts of my life. I am putting a great deal of energy into advertising my husband's new novel and it truly deserves my effort and time as it is so well written and quite frankly, an absolutely brilliant piece of writing. I would absolutely love to have his talent but no, I will not advertise his novel here as this is my space.

I am at the moment just sitting contemplating all of my life and as usual not really succeeding to any extent on knowing what it is all really about but I am as always trying to find the reason behind everything, perhaps that is not the answer? However, it is part of who I am and I doubt I will change and as I am listening to Grieg's piano concerto, I feel quite relaxed, though I accidentally only put first movement on so shall play something else. getting better at the tab thing so may actually be able to make my way back to this blog.

Well here I am. I have managed to post "Scheherazade" by Rimsky-Korsakov which I adore. It is a "Symphonic Suite" and terribly beautiful.

Both my cats are close by and that always makes me feel happy and good.

I really enjoyed Christmas as my lovely daughter, her boyfriend, who is very lovely too, and my gorgeous little granddaughter came over for dinner. Beautiful day. :-).

Really need to go to optician as I am not seeing as well as I ought to. I am going to try a different one this time as not terribly satisfied with my previous one. Now have Braham's 3rd symphony, 3rd movement on. Can't find a whole piece as can't see properly and can't be bothered wasting time. This is lovely. :-)
New Year was spent with my lovely granddaughter who fell asleep before the bells but woke up at 2.a.m. and kept me entertained with her stories until 6.a.m. :-).

Have moved on musically to "Steely Dan". Really good band. Well actually this is last bit of music as tired but enjoyed listening to it all.

Anyway, that is the latest in my life. :-)

Disappointment and expectations.

When you are born as a little baby, you utterly rely on the love of your mother, or in many cases, who chooses to love and care for you and in the end that is what truly matters, just being loved and taught by those who do so. No matter who this is, it brings, naturally, expectations as you grow up as to how life will be and as a child you can only see through your own eyes and limited experiences.

As an adult , you can reflect on why you feel as you do and where your expectations came from. I am not a natural writer and I can't do this format stuff and quite frankly I just want to get my words out. Listening to Beethoven's 9th Symphony is helping. I even managed to get the whole symphony posted. Now, believe it or not, there actually is a point in what I am saying, and if I can forget all this worry about writing it in an accepted way, I will be fine and reach my point.

So the format chosen is this, and it feels wrong, but it's this medium. (HELP). :D.

Back to what I actually meant to say. Love is everything but we still have to live in a world where we constantly live with people who grow up without ever having experienced it so react accordingly to what they have been taught and it is not always a positive experience for many. If your first experience of life is to be yelled at and hit, which please may I say was not my experience, but it is for many children, so life shall quite possibly keep acting in the same way as it progresses. Funnily enough, I have argued very much against this concept in many ways, as nothing is absolute, but there is a running thread that repeats itself and I cannot deny this happens, and that is not positive. However, I am a great believer in the fact, and to me it is, that we are all individuals, and though we belong to families and are part of others, we will always remain as our own individual soul. Negative experiences happen in many other ways too, but there is absolutely nothing that cannot be surpassed with a lot of determination and yes love, it's so important.

In ourselves we have our utter individuality as souls that cannot be determined by anyone other than ourself, and nobody else can ever change that. As usual, I never get to the point of my title but writing does indeed change as you do so. :-) . It is always good to have a starting point,

Perhaps I may finish by saying that if we did not have so many expectations, then it would not lead to disappointment.

Good people in life.

I have not written a blog for ages and I often feel awkward mentioning people by name so will not do as such, however I hope that the person I am talking about will know that I am thinking of her in spirit now, and that she was a pleasure to talk to, although I did not have the privilege of  meeting her.

What can I say, lovely lady, a lady indeed, strong and inspirational. A grade eight pianist, flautist, and brilliant baker ; animal lover and everything good about an individual. You don't always have to meet someone in person to realise what is truly beautiful in their soul. Sometimes words are enough.

Rest in peace dear lady and you were so determined and fought so hard. My thoughts are with you.

                Fiona xxx

The Past

It is ages since I wrote a blog and at some point I do want to continue with my cat theme , but for now just a quick update.

I recently joined Facebook and I for one actually really enjoy it. I have talked to people I haven't spoken to in years and that has brought back so many good memories. I do realise that being new to this medium that I may not understand it all, but so far, it seems quite nice. I have noticed that many people criticise it but, lets face it, many people criticise everything! Also, though it seems to be very different than "Twitter", it is better for just talking to people, as the summarising qualities of twitter give no freedom of expression.  However, I have always liked twitter and met some very lovely people ( in person) through this medium and it has so helped in the sales of my husband's novel, which incidentally is doing very well, and I'm as proud as I could ever be about that, as he is one very talented author. So please know that as I praise him, it is not just about advertising, he really can write and he is brilliant at it.

My title is "The Past" and if you ever want to read any of my other blogs, you will realise how my titles never quite match what I write, but perhaps I am getting a little bit better at this. :-). I hope so anyway.

Regardless, I will just call it an update and for anyone interested enough to read what I write about (beware it can be deep) , you can find me if you want to.  :-)

Nothing Exciting. Let us see what enters my brain? Always amusing.

I haven't written a blog for ages as life has been extremely busy of late, due to the publication of my husband's brilliant new novel. I am pleased to say that it is selling well and so far anyone who has read it has given it nothing but praise and he has had only 5 star reviews, which are totally genuine and well deserved. I am not going to publicise it on here as this is my blog, and I do lots of that all the time, but I just wanted to mention he's a rather brilliant author.

For once, I like my title as it gives me scope to write whatever I want, and I rather like that freedom. Well here goes. :D

 I have just come off the phone to my beautiful daughter and that always gives me this wonderfully warm feeling in my heart. It makes me realise just how lucky I am. So many people struggle through life, and quite frankly, we all do at times, but it is never anything that can not be surpassed. When the stress of a moment happens, it is often a catalyst for love and those around you who will just naturally help.

I write this, and yes,  I feel guilt I cannot describe, but I look at the truth and facts of my life. My dad had a fall last week and I was unable to see him due to my personal circumstances, which makes me feel very bad,  but I have had full blown "Flu" , of the real kind and have felt so terribly unwell. It would have been exceptionally stupid to visit him under such circumstances but it doesn't stop me feeling bad about the fact I was not there.He has had lots of support but normally I would not have hesitated to be there, though I don't always see him. He's dislocated his shoulder but I think he'll live. He's a very interesting , almost eighty-eight man with an attitude, and he does ok mostly.

I should be used to this constant stress as my mum has had a few falls too, but everything is as best it can ever be. It is so, so hard when your parents get this old, your own bodies are failing and you just have to cope. There are odd times that it causes copious tears for me, but you can always wipe them away.However, I very often cry, at the most private moments of my life and now accept that nobody lives forever, but utterly dread the day I have to cope with losing them.

On a more positive note, I think my mum has been preparing for ages, which is highly admirable but even more depressing. This is actually not a positive note. :-(.I do understand why people want to prepare for their death, and yes, it is probably a million times easier when it has to happen, but my goodness, it doesn't make me feel very good. :-( ). That looks odd, but isn't if you look closer.

I am actually very happy that I felt almost myself today and didn't nearly collapse from exhaustion on basic tasks. It was that turning point with Flu , where you just know you are getting better ; hard to explain, but I know, what I will be careful with, is not thinking I am totally alright now.  This probably seems the most ridiculous and controversial thing to write down as I am awake late, which in normal circumstances, is normal, but we really seriously in this life, need individual time to ourselves.

I suffered from M.E. in my early thirties which lasted for almost two years in all. I won't repeat that. However, it wasn't staying awake that made it happen, it was trying to rush around in a ridiculous fashion and I went back to work too early. I think that has to be the most singularly awful experience of my life.  I can't even begin to describe it. At the time, I still suffered from depression but it was such an entirely different thing. I was at work, and tried to walk up the garden, about I think , six weeks later, after flu. not sure entirely of the time scales but I just couldn't . I felt utterly exhausted in a way I had never felt in my whole life.
It was the oddest thing ever, and actually like the first stages of flu, without the raised temperature. I had very mixed support on my condition from nothing to everything, but was blessed at that time with good support from my GP.I suppose this makes me nervous, and I had the Flu jab for years, but for me it has not re-occurred.I haven't had flu jab since 2005 due to circumstances,  and had flu twice. I'm hoping this means that I never, ever go through that cruel condition again, but I did.

However, we do truly learn from every experience, I hope anyway, And I totally pray that nobody ever has to suffer as I did. It was such a strange condition to go through. My senses were unbelievably heightened, especially my sense of smell. I could smell the dust in the room, and I might not be house proud, but even for me that was ridiculous. Noise of any acceptable level,drove me insane, well actually my senses of smell and hearing were the most heightened ones. This was the point of my life where I was truly suicidal but thank God for my family and friends and especially my mum for helping me.

I'm so glad to feel normal after that totally horrific experience and what went before. We can all get through anything but it is good and healthy to express.